To you, my gorgeous mama. I want you to hear this, I want you to know this, I want you to feel this deep in the fibers of your being.
You are loved. You are so loved. By people in your life, by your babies, by the Universe at large. You are loved at every moment.
And I want you to hear something that took me a while to figure out – something that will hopefully help you to navigate the world of Pregnancy After Loss and Parenting After Loss. It’s YOUR journey. It’s no one else’s. Please don’t compare what you door what your children do or need. Don’t try to measure up to any one else’s normal – keep true to what your little family needs.
You need to know you are your baby’s perfect mother. You really are. I firmly belief our babies choose us, for whatever it is they might need. This baby growing inside you chose you – is part of this journey with you. So trust that you are doing things right.
Please, take a step back from everything happening around you and breathe. Breathe into your heart. And know it is true – you are doing this thing right.
I am four years and 9 months into the parenting after loss world and it continues to surprise me with its twists and turns. And I keep reminding myself that my choices for my family are just fine. When I believe in myself, listen to my children’s voices, and trust my own instincts, life flows. When I doubt, when I worry, when I look at what others are doing and compare, life gets smothering (and my children get cranky).
The beauty of my pregnancy loss came in the form having my heart cracked open. And the beauty of this continuing journey comes in similar waves. You are going to make choices that others might not. You may worry more sometimes. You may watch your baby sleep at night and weep. You may be so overwhelmed at times you want to run away and have someone take care of YOU.
It’s all ok. And you are loved through all of it.
You have been through an experience that many others never will. You have felt pain deeper than many will know. You have opened your heart again to this little being growing inside you. You are braver than many. You are strong. You are you and no one else and you are the perfect mother.
I want you to accept all the moments without judgment. The ones that seem easy, the ones that seem tough, the ones that seem beautiful, the ones that seem impossible. They are all part of the courageous, heart opening, individual experience. And you are loved through all of them.
Accept the relentless sobs that erupt when you sign the paper that registers your son for kindergarten. Accept the shaking breath when you are too terrified to cross a bridge with your infant in the back seat. Accept the times you want to be anywhere but home. Accept the times your heart breaks open just by hearing a certain song. Accept the moments you don’t “connect” with other mothers. Accept when you want to be alone, accept when you just can’t do anything but hold your precious baby close.
Accept all your moments with love. You are loved.
When you doubt yourself, trust that your experiences have perfectly prepared you for this. Your pain, your sorrow – it has paved the way for you to shine – to shimmer with the luminescence of your natural radiance. How fortunate your children are to have you. For you are their perfect mother.
You are a gift. You are an exquisite gift. If I could hug you right now I would. I would hug you so very tight. You are loved beyond measure, you are a beautiful, strong, remarkable mother.
May you feel your power.
Here I am with my almost kindergartner. Both smiling, but both feelings lots of big feelings deep down. I can’t believe the little being who rocked my world is about to be released into the big world. He is such a gentle little man…I’m not quite ready to share him.
*Note: with high anxiety, such as my crossing bridges fear, please do seek professional help. You don’t have to live with such anxiety, I’m merely saying don’t judge yourself for it.