Our sweet rainbow is one year old today. He has brought a new life and light into our family. After our daughter died, the days and nights were dark and heavy. They were filled with tears that I never thought would end.
I wanted so desperately to be pregnant again– to create a life, not watch one end. I wanted my baby back but since I couldn’t, I just needed a new baby in my arms. It didn’t come easy. Infertility has been an issue even before my first pregnancy so it was no surprise that it took us a while to conceive.
Looking back now, I am thankful for that time. I needed that extra time to let my heart and my head go to the places (many dark places) it needed to before I could bring a new life into this world. I also needed that time to focus on my daughter who passed. No time would ever be enough to get over her or move on but I needed to find our relationship and how I was going to make it work from both sides of heaven. I also needed that time to prepare my heart that this was a new baby and a baby that, again, I may not get to bring home. Yes, it’s unfathomable that I could lose another baby… But to a loss mom, that IS our reality and the threat of loss is VERY real!
18 months after our daughter passed away we found out we were pregnant. It wasn’t the same as the first time. The excitement was real, the joy was real but there was so much fear. Could I actually do this this time? Could my body carry this baby to term? Could I get to hold a crying baby on my chest moments after delivery? Could I walk out of that hospital with a living baby? These were all questions that plagued me for the months that followed.
Physically, pregnancy is wonderful for me… I feel great. I’ve never once been sick and I love to watch that belly grow! This time around was a very anxious pregnancy for me. Although everything with baby was perfect, I was constantly filled with worry. I ended up in L&D triage at least 4 times mainly just out of fear, “This didn’t feel right. I don’t know if I’m really feeling him moving enough.”
Fast forward to 36 weeks, 6 days and my water broke. Off to the hospital we went and a few hours later we got to meet our beautiful boy. He breathed! He cried! I held him! He got to come home with us!
This last year with him at home has been beyond my expectations. He is just the sweetest thing and always full of smiles. He’s such a mama’s boy. I know that he was personally selected and approved by his big sister. She knew exactly what we needed and when we needed him.
There are still very rough moments/days/weeks. As we watch him grow and reach all of these milestones, both big and small, we’re punched in the face with all those precious memories we will never have with his big sister. All of those moments that I have to imagine her in now seem bittersweet. There is always a tinge of guilt and longing behind each new step and each new word as we have never been able to celebrate her similar accomplishments.
My sweet boy brought a light back into our lives that, in our darkest days, I never thought we’d see again. He has helped us to remember to hope and to smile. No, he wasn’t a magical fix for our broken hearts because they’re still broken and can never be put back together. He is our bandaid. He is helping to hold the pieces together until our hearts are restored when we meet our daughter in heaven.