You see me smiling in my pictures and assume I am not afraid. You assume I am over it. You assume all is well.
I have never ever been more afraid in my life. I have never ever faced a fear of this magnitude.
Yes, this is my second pregnancy after loss. But, would you believe me if I told you I remember nothing from that first pregnancy after loss?
As a matter of fact, my life was such a blur that I actually had Leighton, my Rainbow baby, in the same exact hospital where I lost Leilani (my angel) with the same exact doctors.
So today I am actually mentally, spiritually, physically HERE on planet earth in my body. Don’t ask me where I was before because I honestly don’t know. All I know is that everything that I am feeling is brand new to me, and it feels 100 times deeper.
Although my fears of losing another baby are always with me, I feel blessed and shocked at the fact that I am here again.
I haven’t smiled this hard in a long time. But, I also haven’t cried and felt this hurt in a long time.
I miss Leilani, and sometimes wonder how I managed to save all my other children and not her. But one thing is for sure, I am FEELING it all. As hard as it is, there’s no other place I’d rather be. I haven’t been this alive in a long time.
My smiles are real. But know that behind that smile, there is also fear, anxiety, lack of sleep, hope, and a praying mad woman that is only focused on bringing her baby home alive.