Pregnancy wasn’t supposed to be this way:
It wasn’t supposed to be filled with fear and worry.
It wasn’t supposed to be consumed with grief.
It wasn’t supposed to be so hard.
…but it was for me.
Pregnancy after loss was harder than I ever imagined, and filled with more tears than I thought possible to cry. I anticipated nine months of joyful bliss but instead was filled with panic.
Minutes after getting a positive pregnancy test this time I was in tears. My mind battled between wanting to believe this baby would arrive safely and knowing there is never a guarantee. And tears flowed for the whole nine months, including at every midwife, ultrasound and doppler appointment. In fact, every day was filled with fear.
The Innocence of My First Pregnancy was Gone
The innocence I felt during my first pregnancy had been taken from me, and no matter how much reassurance I received, the doubt and grief loomed over my second pregnancy and I would have given anything to have that naivity back:
The innocence of never having experienced a loss.
Never having a bad ultrasound.
The innocence of going through pregnancy without the harsh reality that things can go wrong.
It is okay if you miss that innocence too, because without it, it can make pregnancy really, really hard!
It is Okay to be Scared.
I wish I could say my pregnancy got easier but it didn’t.* It wasn’t until I was holding my beautiful breathing, baby boy that my anxiety began to lessen. Looking back, however, I recognize that it’s okay I felt that way.
Although it wasn’t how it was “supposed to be,” it was how it happened. Those nine months were hard and scary, and in a perfect world I would have preferred for it to be different, but it wasn’t. The fear, worry, anxiety, nerves etc. were okay. They weren’t how I wanted to feel during pregnancy but I couldn’t help how I felt.
There is no right or wrong way to navigate a pregnancy after loss! Navigating at best is pretty damn amazing! <3.
*Please note: If you are experiencing significant anxiety and/or low mood, please talk to your health care provider about it. Depression during Pregnancy impacts 1 in 8 women, and you do not need to suffer through it.
**Photo Source for Facebook image: “My pregnant wife” byJanusz Kaliszczak at Flickr, use allowed with Creative Commons 2.0 license.