When I was pregnant for the first time, I lived in a daydream. Pregnant on the first try, with my first positive test literally at Disneyworld, everything just seemed—Easy. ⁠

And then reality rose up and bit me.⁠

⁠I look back on these memories now with something like tenderness. Even after 35 years, I was still so innocent. It never occurred to me that stillbirth or any tragedy was a realistic possibility. But between Disneyworld, and giving birth, I became someone quite different.⁠

Miranda Hernandez touching her pregnant belly while holding a stuffed mermaid and elephant - two kinds of love

Author’s Personal Collection/Miranda Hernandez – Photo Credit: Sarah Perry Photography

So when I became pregnant with my second child, things were handled differently. I asked my providers for all the risks, and opened myself to all possibilities. And while I looked forward to my daughter’s arrival with hope and anticipatory joy, that joy has also always been tempered; accompanied by the knowledge that everything can change.⁠

And I honestly can’t say, today, which love I prefer, or which is better. I don’t think that’s something that can be weighed. I know it can’t be measured.⁠

I loved my son in a state of innocence; of certainty; of pride and joy.⁠

I love my daughter with passion and protectiveness, while honoring her need for independence.⁠

"I loved him in a dream state of perfect innocence. I love her with the knowledge that everything can change.

Author’s Personal Collection/Miranda Hernandez – Photo Credit: Sarah Perry Photography

Because as much as I know now of how things can change, I also know some things can’t be prevented. And so I take cautions in the places I can, and honor the chances of things unintended.⁠

I treasure the memories, and late midnight cuddles, and I send her letters like I write for him. Because one of us, one day, will outlive the other, but we’ll make the most of it all until then.⁠

Originally published on the author’s Instagram.

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