I swear I’m convinced that one day there will be mental health diagnosis code specifically for women trying to conceive after loss. I can see it now “Code 100.53.81 Planning Pregnancy Psychosis.”
Patient must have at least 6 out of 8 of the following:
- Patient must be convinced she is pregnant well before it’s even possible to know during the two week wait.
- Patient must then be convinced she is not pregnant well before it’s even possible to know during the two week wait.
- Patient must repeat #1 and #2 several times per day during the two week wait.
- Patient must take at least 5 pregnancy tests during the last week of her cycle.
- Patient must then keep those pregnancy tests even though there is only one line in hopes that the second will magically appear in the next hour, day or week. (even though she has already held it up to every lighting possible-just in case)
- Patient must hide these tests so her spouse doesn’t think/know she’s going crazy. (After all, she DID see a line, it was just really, really faint and then somehow gone the next time she looked. She then blames it on the bogus manufacturing of the test)
- Patient must convince herself that her breasts never hurt while she is premenstrual, therefore convincing herself she is pregnant again
- Patient then remembers that sometimes her breasts do hurt when she is premenstrual. (However, not like this)
Oh, how this list could continue for pages.
I forgot about this part. The crazy lady part. After my last loss, I waited six months to try again. Six months filled with angst, grief, anxiety and insomnia. But no “planning for pregnancy psychosis.” I honestly blocked out how emotionally exhausting trying to conceive is. But not for long. Crazy came back with a vengeance and grabbed ahold of my sanity for those two weeks. The two week wait ended with a trash can full of negative tests and a perfectly on-time cycle.
I recognized quickly that I can’t let it continue to be this way. It’s not healthy for me, my mind, my body or my future baby-whenever he/she decides to make the grand appearance in my womb. So I have decided that I should probably ease up on the craziness a bit.
I rolled out my old dusty precious yoga mat, invested in enough epsom salt and lavender to provide every female in the state of Virginia a bath and began meditating again. I think that I have been avoiding these simple things because I know how connected with myself I feel when I practice this kind of self-care. And well, being connected with my heart is both a blessing and a curse on this journey.
Because the negative tests hurt even more now.
They feel like a slap in the face to be honest. As if years of infertility, three miscarriages and giving birth to my sleeping son wasn’t enough, let’s add some more infertility to the journey. And each negative test makes me ache for him….more-and-more.
The break was good. I needed it. However, I am ready for this chapter-or as ready as I can be. I want to embrace it. To look forward to it. I want to feel the joy, the positivity and possibilities of those two lines. I want it again. I really do.
I imagine the prescription for code 100.53.81 “Planning Pregnancy Psychosis” would be something like this: “Tone down the crazy, decrease the pregnancy tests, increase yoga, baths and meditation. Repeat as often as needed.” Signed: Dr. Babydust.
This month I am following my own orders. Because I deserve a more peaceful journey and truly, I’m the only one who can give it to myself.
What would your prescription say?
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