30 weeks down. THIRTY WEEKS! Holy guacamole that flew by. I feel like I was just in the single digits.
In just (approximately) 10 short weeks we’ll be a family of 5…but only a household of 4. The thought alone breaks my heart.
Only after having a child do you wonder how on earth you ever lived your whole life without this little person. When you lose a child you have to learn just how to live without them.
I was thinking a lot about how we were supposed to be a household of 4 already when we got the exciting news that we were going to be a family of 5. That didn’t end up being the case, and it was never actually written that way, I just tend to assume that my plan is “right” and bigger than God’s without even realizing it most of the time. I meditated on this a lot over the weekend while at and after a Mercy Me concert with my incredible bonus family (aka–my best friend and her parents that have always treated me as their own). Everyone started singing “Amazing Grace” and I, once again just cried. I wasn’t ready for it. (Someday I’ll be able to smile and sing this song again). Anyway, I started thinking about how I never really deserved these children to begin with. Only by God’s amazing grace and Him choosing to bless me instead of curse me am I even able to have this wonderful family.
I wish that thought alone made my family feel whole. I find that to be one of the toughest aspects of pregnancy after loss.. Never feeling whole. When we had our oldest child we felt our family was complete. She was the missing piece to the puzzle that we didn’t even know existed. There was a place in our hearts for that little girl that was meant for her. It’s still there and ever expanding. It changes and evolves as she grows to meet her emotional needs. It brings me great joy to nurture her and “mothers instinct” is no joke. It’s built in to the very essence of my being.
Then, we got pregnant with Abraham and I thought to myself and expressed to my husband that I had no idea where I had room to fit the love for another child in my heart. It was so full that it felt like it was bursting at the seams some days at just the sound of Juliette’s sweet giggle and touch of her perfect skin.
Only when Abraham came shooting into the world (literally, he was here in 4 minutes!) and I looked down at his tiny little 5 pound 4 ounce body as it turned from blue to gray and they whisked him away did I understand just where and how he would fit into my heart and our lives. He was the addition to our family that we didn’t know we were looking for, just as Juliette was nearly 2 years prior. 17 days later when he died, I knew our family would never feel complete. That place in my heart that was (and will always be) just his size will remain open, but empty because unlike his sister’s that is full of her and ever evolving as she changes, his just aches for him to fill. I know the heartache and pain are nothing that heaven can’t heal, but the longing for heaven but pull for earth is unbearable sometimes. Of course, my living husband and children need me more than Abraham ever will. My job here isn’t done, but this is not our home and I find much comfort in that.
So, as we approach the final run of this pregnancy I’m trying to recognize the fact that when this new child is born, we won’t feel complete like we did with our two other children. This baby will be perfect for our family and he or she will have a place in our hearts with just as much room as our other children. I know that to be so true that I don’t even question it anymore. God has made our bodies incredibly capable of loving so hard and so huge. (It’s only taken me three kids to believe it myself!). While our family could potentially be finished after this sweet baby, I don’t think we’ll ever have that “complete” feeling we once had while we’re earth side again, even if we go on to have more children in the years to come. It’s such a hard pill to swallow, but having hope that heaven will repair that for us someday makes it go down a little easier.