29 weeks down and I officially have feet in my ribs! At least, I’m assuming those are little toes compressing lungs my and strumming my ribs like you would while playing a guitar. My other two babies were already head down by this point in my pregnancy with them, so I hope this one follows in his or her older sister and brother’s footsteps in that way. My pregnancy app also tells me that baby is the size of a pineapple and close to 2.5 pounds. I believe it. My intestines and bladder tend to believe it, too. With my other two children I felt long, slow, (sometimes) hard movements and kicks and wiggles. With this child the kicks are pattern like and fast (to the point where I asked my OB if babies can have seizures in utero). Now that baby is bigger they’re not always as sweet as they used to be. They hurt!!! But they are just as welcome as they were with my other two. Pain is temporary and I’m praying to God I get to keep this child for the rest of my earthy life. I’m praying for permanence.

Lately, my daughter (who will be three next month) has been obsessed with my belly. Obsessed with “her baby”. It’s crazy how in just a year she’s developed so much. She didn’t really understand the circumstances surrounding me being pregnant with Abraham. She was mad that my milk dried up after 17 months of breastfeeding her, but she didn’t understand that it was because of the baby growing in my womb. She saw a nursery go up in our house, but she thought all the new toys and blankets were for her. She knew something was going on when Abraham was born but she had no idea that he was supposed to come live in our home, so she was confused when we were sad that he never got to come home. She was even more confused when all the baby things disappeared from our house and her once beloved breastmilk that I once treated like gold was coming out of me in pints and I was crying while trying to make it stop all the while pouring it by the bottle down the drain because I was too heavily medicated to feed it to any baby at that point even if I wished to.

As we prepare for this baby, questions about Abraham from our almost three year old are on the rise. She’s remembering what she was too young to grasp last year and asking those questions this year as the familiarity of getting ready for baby jogs her memory. She talks about Abraham often, reminding me to also take time out of each day to nurture his memory and share my feelings and express my still burning love for my lost child. She grasps that the baby growing in me isn’t the brother she knows, though…which I’m thankful for because I was worried about her thinking baby was him. She calls this baby her “new baby”. She asks to hug and kiss my belly before bed, she sings her new baby songs and reads her new baby books. She knows now that the nursery we’re decorating is for a child that will come home from the hospital with our family and that my “booboos” will feed this baby breastmilk just like they did her and her brother. She knows that the toys and blankies coming into our home are for the new baby and she can’t wait to “tell her new baby to stop crying” and “kiss her new baby goodnight.” She knows she’s already a big sister to Abraham, but she can’t wait to be a big sister again to another precious baby and be able to express her big sister qualities. She’s also praying for permanence. We all are. 

Here’s my (almost) three year old getting in her morning snuggle sesh with her new baby.

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