28 weeks down, 12ish to go! I feel so close to snugglin’ on my baby when I break it down like that. Then I sit back and realize that 12 weeks is about 3 months and 3 months seems like a lifetime away, yet I wish I could stay in this month for awhile, replaying my days differently but leaving the calendar unchanging.
I’m not sure if it is just the third trimester blues that have me down lately or the idea that my body is playing evil tricks on me by making it hurt to even move by the end of the day or my seriously irritable uterus that demands that I must stay in one place or it annoyingly contracts constantly or (but, probably) the fact that Abraham’s first birthday is right around the corner and it is nearing time for me to start planning something for him all while carrying his younger sibling in my womb–who, by the way is making him/herself very known in my rapidly expanding uterus. There’s no hiding this child.
I feel like this baby is screaming “here I am and I’m here to stay!” To me and every other passerby that innocently comments on my bump.
My days seem long but the weeks are flying by. Before I know it it will be September, the very month that I fell in love with the most handsome little man I had ever laid eyes on. After September comes October, the very month that I said “see you later” to the littlest love of my life. October is also the month that I became a mother almost three years ago, too. It’ll be a bittersweet fall as we welcome this new little bundle of joy into our lives then the next month, November. I don’t know if I’m mentally ready for all this activity that’ll be starting after having such a peaceful summer.
Fall hasn’t even started yet and I feel like my emotions should come with a warning label some days this week. One day I can’t stop laughing at how Daniel Tiger’s parents were explaining something surrounding childbirth or childbearing while my daughter was watching cartoons, the next day I’m hysterically sobbing because I just can’t handle the sound of my poor husbands snores for even one more second. Then, I sat in church and silently cried last week as we began singing Amazing Grace as young boy was being baptized. I wasn’t ready to hear that song (I say this every single time we sing it) It’ll always be one that I have to mentally prepare myself to hear, but especially sing. It was the song that we sang Abraham to eternal sleep with.
I sat there and I wondered, will I cry like this in a few months while holding our rainbow? Or will I snuggle him or her in close, breath in their sweet smell and just feel grateful that I was given the opportunity to hold, love and cherish all of my children, even for just a little while? Then it got me thinking even more about how this pregnancy after loss hasn’t been about the pregnancy so much as the loss. I feel like every week I sit down to type up my Bump Day Blog and every week I find myself thinking and talking more about Abraham and how I still feel surrounding his loss and less about his younger sibling growing inside of me. Then, guilt sets in. Does this hold true for all momma’s pregnant with their rainbow after the loss of their (especially, but not limited to) infant child? Eventually I know my life will have to get back on some sort of track and I’ll be more aware and attached to this baby inside of me. Jesus has Abraham in his keeping, but for a good chunk of his or her time here on earth I’ll have this baby in my keeping. (And Jesus, I pray I can keep the rest of my children for the rest of my earthly life) I get that expanding my heart is essential, and I trust it’ll happen naturally just as it did with my first two children. But my goodness, this struggle is so real. Is fall here and gone yet?