This year has been going so fast. And you know what means right? Our baby boy Jowen is growing entirely too fast. Jowen has been standing, taking steps, and crawling extremely fast. He wants to explore and pick up everything and understand exactly what he has in his hands. Very intelligent boy with some humor already. Jowen is turning 10 months and we are already planning out his 1st birthday. These months with him have been nothing but so amazing and very challenging. Nick and I are learning each day as parents, and I feel we are doing a very good job! Often, I think back when I was pregnant after loss, and it amazes me how I can say I made it through and look at how great our rainbow baby is thriving.
While there have been changes in our lives being parents and balancing it all, there have also been changes with my body.
I have PCOS and I never in a million years would have thought that my PCOS symptoms would be worse after giving birth. I have a hormonal imbalance where I have had back-to-back periods and even one cycle coming three weeks earlier. My emotions have been out of control to the point that I felt that it was controlling me. Everything started to affect me. I would have constant cramps and just would keep bleeding. Also, I have been sick since March with a cold once a month. I feel like my body has been failing me. It triggers me when I think of the loss I had, infertility and all the years I struggle with my weight when it comes to PCOS!
When I think about transferring our last embryo, it terrifies me of the thought of loss and then also the fact I have to push much harder with my body to get it back to a stable state. Again, the pressure is on me to do it all and on top of that take care of our son and continue to run a business. Also, I have come to the realization that I have to work out at least twice a week doing reformer Pilates to help with my pelvic floor. Lately, I feel that my focus has been on my body, and it’s been so hard because I struggle with my body image. I feel that during the pregnancy I had pains, but my body and mind did so well with having a stable weight and diet.
I just need to remind myself that my body has done amazing things and it can rewire itself!
Being a mama is not easy at all and especially when you have PCOS and have to deal with a hormonal imbalance my emotional state of mind can get so rocky.
For any mamas dealing with something similar please know your worth! Just know that things can change and sometimes, time really is needed. I will give things time and trust in the process of knowing that everything will be just fine!