First of all, I’m not sure if the second baby you have after a loss is actually referred to as a second rainbow or another weather-related title altogether. A sunshine? El Nino? All I know is that whenever someone says it’s my second rainbow, I picture that YouTube video of the guy and the double rainbow and the Oh my God, what does it mean? (you know the one, right?) and I giggle a little on the inside.

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Photo by manonp

But cheesy viral videos aside, I just wanted to share with you the differences I have found between this pregnancy and my last, in case anyone is considering the possibility of having another baby after their rainbow.  There are many similarities, but the differences are noteworthy.

1 – My anxiety is significantly lower.

I mean, significantly! I didn’t think I would be able to feel less anxious after the panic I felt during my last pregnancy.  I worried all the time. And I’m a “God is in control” person, but it was still so hard. I had anxiety attacks regularly toward the end. I felt the need to check in with the doctor often. All of those things are normal, I know, but it is relieving not to feel it to as great an extent this time. It is still there, but more subtly, in the background.

2 – My emotions aren’t tearing me apart.

Yes, I still grieve for my twins who died, but the grief is not as raw. It’s not constantly trying to steal the joy from my pregnancy. I don’t feel any of the feelings of guilt I had the last time around, as if I were moving on from my twins and betraying their memory by feeling happy to be able to try again. The constant back and forth between happy and sad really felt confusing. This time it’s as if this pregnancy is not as directly related to the loss as the last one was, and it’s much easier to manage, emotionally.

3 – My hope is easier to find.

The hope is walking around my living room in the form of 20-month old toddler who brings us so much joy. The hope is right in front of my eyes, so I can be reminded of what can be.  After losing the twins, I felt like maybe my body was failing me. Maybe I was too old or my cervix not strong enough. Maybe my uterus couldn’t handle going to term after having had a classical c-section. But I wasn’t too old, it was strong enough, and it could handle it. And it’s easier to hope that it can happen again this time because it has already happened once.

If you are pregnant with your second rainbow, are you finding these to be true for you, too?

With love,

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