Holding life in my womb after losing my son Uriel has been nerve wrecking, exciting, scary, an emotional roller coaster to say the least. While I was expecting all of these different emotions, there is one emotion that I had after losing Uriel that I didn’t expect to carry on while cooking my rainbow baby and that is GUILT.
I don’t think anyone knows how powerful the feeling of guilt is until we sit and think about it.
I mean I’ve never been one to feel guilty about anything more than eating pizza when trying to diet. In my experience guilt has been my number one emotion and like most mothers of angels we feel guilty after the loss of our babies for many different reasons. The questions beginning with “what if” constantly haunt us.
Fast forwarding to the day we found out I’m pregnant with our rainbow baby, the minute we saw that positive sign my body and emotions were consumed by guilt before I could even feel any type of joy. Feeling guilty just doesn’t seem to leave me!
I felt guilty for a number of reasons.
For one, I felt like I was betraying Uriel because I knew had he been here with us I probably would not be getting pregnant so soon. Although I knew this wouldn’t be the case, I didn’t want this pregnancy to mean that we forget about Uriel. My heart and my mind wanted to mourn him for a while longer before I had to worry about anything else. I kept asking myself, “How did I not see these emotions coming?” I felt guilty at the thought of having to finally move all of Uriel’s clothes to make space for the new baby’s belongings.
The biggest reason for my guilt, though, is my rainbow baby is due just 2 days before Uriel’s birthday. My heart cringed at the thought of his first birthday not being all about him because I’ll probably be so sleep deprived to even think about anything, so tired to do anything and just so overwhelmed. I’ll be celebrating a brand new life, when I should be celebrating his existence. And, I know although I’ll be able to balance both in my heart it just wont be the same.
The power of guilt is real, my friends!
It creeps up on you and consumes you before you even realize it. Which is why I’ve decided to just believe that everything is okay! I’m truly a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, that a flower doesn’t bloom just because, that the sun doesn’t rise everyday just because. I think that knowing this and constantly practicing it especially when I start feeling guilty really helps. Knowing that Uriel wouldn’t want me to feel guilty, that he would want me to feel nothing but happiness is what keeps me sane. We feel incredibly blessed and overwhelmed with joy that we get to embark in this journey yet again.