I haven’t written anything about pregnancy after loss since my daughter was born. After Charlynn was born, I felt that I needed to work harder at getting people to remember and honor Devyn and Jaxton. That I needed to focus more on Devyn and Jaxton so that they wouldn’t be forgotten, pushed to the side, or people feel that I’m all better now.
If I am being honest to myself, I have been having a hard time raising a child after loss. I never thought that the happy moments with Charlynn would be the ones that would take my breath away. The moments where I look in the bed and see my husband and daughter peacefully sleeping that would bring tears to my eyes. The times where she smiles at me and just loves so much where my heart aches the most. When I miss them the most. The milestones that Charlynn hits tear into me like an open flesh wound. I am so proud of her, yet these moments I remember that I never had this nor will with with Devyn and Jaxton.
A person told me the other day that it was weird that I don’t gush about Charlynn. In my mind, it isn’t fair for me to gush about her if I can’t gush about Devyn and Jaxton. I want to be able to gush about all my children. If I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk about all my children with you, I don’t really want to talk about any of my children with you.
I still dislike going out and seeing people. There are a whole new batch of things that people say that make me cringe. The one question that actually haunts me is “So how does it feel to be a mom now?” Oh this question digs to my core and rips more out. I have been a mom. I’ve been the hardest kind of mom out there.
Laying in bed for the past 2 hours watching Charlynn sleep, I wonder how she will feel when she gets older. I wonder if she will know that I don’t love her less. That the sadness in my eyes at the happy times isn’t because I’m not happy but because a part of me is always with Devyn and Jaxton at those moments. That when I don’t gush and brag about her it isn’t because I’m not proud of her. It’s just that I want to be fair and brag about all my children. When it’s hard for me to celebrate anything it isn’t because I hate celebrating but because it hurts to not celebrate with her brother and sister as well.
There is a lot I need to learn about balancing out parenting a living child while parenting 2 dead ones. I know there is a balance out there somewhere and I want to find it. I won’t stop trying to find it. I’m not the only one that needs this balance, Charlynn needs it from me as well.