PicMonkey Collage I envisioned giving birth to our rainbow baby with the same doctor who delivered Rowan, in the same room, under the same general conditions (naturally, with no epidural). I know there were people who thought I was crazy. How could I ever go back into the room where we met our first son, born still nearly 2 years ago? My feelings about Ro’s birth were different. Yes, it was a horrendous event to lose him. I re-live the sadness and devastation every day in some form.

But…

The 5 days I had to grieve losing him before he was born gave me the perspective to embrace his birthday as a beautiful event, separate (in a way) from his loss. After all, his birthday was the day we got to meet him in all his preciousness. That is why I was able to see his room, 708, as a place of beauty and peace; a place where he could be connected to his little brother in a special way.

But…

As you know, we changed doctors at the eleventh hour. After a misplaced comment about my level of concern about Li’l Bub’s well-being, I switched to Dr. G, the fabulous woman we had seen a few times while our doctor was unavailable. With her, we had scheduled a planned c-section for Monday, October 27 at 7 am. My “vision” was falling apart before my eyes, but with the scene painted much more peacefully by Dr. G, who said Bub’s birth would be joyful, peaceful, and filled with celebration, my fear of the dreaded epidural and surgery melted away. She took requests for the Pandora station she’d have on in the background. We were ready for a lovely, upbeat procedure to welcome our little guy into the world.

But…

My water broke early Sunday morning, October 26–the day before the scheduled procedure with Dr. G and her assistant for the c-section, the equally lovely Dr. B. So we headed to the 7th floor of Newport Hospital to check in a day early. I inadvertently requested the wrong room, 710, but insisted to Chris I was right. Once I was settled in, they began initial preparation for the c-section which was still going down, apparently, even though my water had broken on its own.

But…

Dr. G was not the on-call doctor. They tried to reach her as a favor to me, but she was out of town with family. The doctor on call was Bub’s original doctor–the one we had just left. And his assistant would be the doctor we left after the first trimester with Ro. She had scolded me for being worried about some heavy bleeding I experienced at the very end of week 12. She told me to grow up; she said I didn’t need anyone to help me through the pregnancy. You see, my mom had flown in to help me, as Chris was on assignment for 9 months in Cuba, and I was very ill. Yes, the doctors cutting me open on this very special day would be the 2 doctors I had relieved from their duties.

But…

The room was very bright and sunny. I plastered a smile on my face. I was NOT going to let the doctors be the focus of this day. My vision would still come true…I was giving birth to my perfect, living, healthy baby boy. HE was the vision. HE was the prize. The nurse waiting for me at the surgery site asked why I was smiling so brightly. She told me she’d not seen someone so happy to be getting ready to be cut open. I said, “I figure if I go in with a smile, I’ll come out with a smile. I meet my son in a few minutes!” I curled in a ball to receive the epidural; the first doctor I had left so long ago held my hand. I didn’t feel a thing. I continued to smile. The medicine settled in. They began to prep the area for my procedure. Chris was there. A student nurse took our still photos (video not allowed). The doctors chatted about the candidates for a new important hospital position. There was no music in the room.

But…

There was sunshine flooding into the 2 windows. I was able to block out the doctors’ talk. I continued to smile. And then I heard him cry. I heard his little lungs cry out to me, and the warm, overwhelming sensation of pure joy and peace took over my body. And then I saw him, our little Homer Maurice.

My vision had come true.

My dreams had come true.

Life began again that day. And Rowan was there with us. He is here with us every day. We are blessed to have our 2 beautiful boys–one in Heaven, and one with us here on Earth.

Blessed, indeed. No buts about it.

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