Planning ahead is sort of in my nature. I’ve always been very thorough and doing things last minute or without any research gives me anxiety. Especially for big life events.
Naturally, before we even got pregnant with Sophie I was reading books on labor, birth, breastfeeding, etc. I loved envisioning this next stage of life and all things birth and babies. I felt so prepared for a “normal” pregnancy and I had so much confidence in our “plan.” Sadly, I wasn’t prepared at all for Sophie to come when or how she did and I don’t believe any amount of planning would have prepared us for losing her.
In a way, I felt like the world was mocking me for expecting a certain outcome. During this pregnancy, I’ve been so hesitant to plan for anything. In these first 24 weeks, I was laser-focused on getting through each day and making sure I stay healthy and this baby boy stays healthy. I would be having a really great day and as soon as I turned on a podcast to pick up on the planning again I would get triggered and emotional and I’d have to turn it off.
In all honesty, I could probably go the rest of the pregnancy without making any other plans because of this hesitation and fear.
I know that’s ok and I think it’s a completely understandable way to handle pregnancy after loss. However, there are already so many things that I’ve had to relinquish control of after losing Sophie. Planning for all of the baby cuddles and sleepless nights with our son is something that I do have control of and I want to take back the reins. I feel like I’ve been robbed of so many happy moments and each of these moments in subsequent pregnancies will always be coupled with grief, confusion & hesitation.
I am going to try so hard to allow myself to get excited now! I want to continue working on the nursery and plan for a baby shower. I want to plan for visitors in the hospital and what outfit I’ll bring him home in. I want to go to childcare classes and learn more about nursing and diaper changes and sleep schedules.
The chaos and challenges that will come along with a newborn used to be terrifying, but now they are so welcome.
If I can say goodbye to Sophie and make it through every day knowing that I will never live on this earth with her again, I know I can handle anything. It is so exciting to think about our life with a baby, but it is also scary to get excited knowing that it may not become a reality. Thankfully, as each day and week passes I can see that reality becoming clearer.
We even tried to celebrate our gestational tolerance test this week. My husband was my pacer and we finished the test with jelly beans! Keep growing, little man!