23 weeks! This is new territory for me and it’s exciting and terrifying. My belly is bigger than it’s ever been before, I’m feeling more baby movements than I ever have before and our baby boy weighs more than one pound now!
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I realized with all of these new changes this week how lucky I feel to be carrying this baby, but it also makes me wonder what this time would have been like with Sophie.
All these upcoming weeks will consist of new milestones and sadly, every happy moment with our son will make me think about all the missed moments with Sophie now. I’ve been afraid to admit this, but I think about Sophie way more than I wonder about this little boy. That’s horrible to say, but I hope other people that have lost a baby can relate to feeling this way.
When I look at our ultrasound pictures I compare them to the pictures we got of Sophie. When our crib got delivered I wondered if Sophie would have been a good sleeper. When I look for nursery decor I still look at the girl decor first thinking about what we would have gotten for Sophie. The truth is that right now I feel more connected to her and I feel so guilty that I haven’t been able to get there yet with our son.
I’m trying to find ways to build that bond and I’m hopeful that will change.
I’ve been soaking in every jab and kick that I feel, I’ve been talking and singing to him, I’ve been working on the nursery again, and I’m still going to therapy. I don’t really know what I’m looking to feel or if I will feel that complete blissful connection because I think it may be my way of not getting my hopes up. I am guarding and protecting my heart a little more with this baby just in case we lose him too.
I think I know that no matter what I do that bond will never be the same and that is ok because this is a different child. However, it’s tough to be patient and accept how different my feelings and emotions are from my last pregnancy. I want to only feel pure love and joy and most days I feel more doubt and hesitation. This emotional juggling act has built a tiny speedbump in our progress, but I am so hopeful that all of these upcoming milestones in our pregnancy will mean new memories with our son and help build our excitement for his arrival. Oh, and by the way, we’re so close to viability…we got this little man!
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