I’m sure that every mom that has lost a baby is very acutely aware of her pregnancy timeline and the memory of when her worst nightmare came true. I’m no exception to this. My water broke at 21 weeks pregnant and our daughter was born only a week later. Needless to say, this is a big milestone for my husband and me and we were on the edge of our seats every day after our appointments with the doctor last week.
A few days ago, we went in for our weekly scan to confirm that there has been no additional change to my cervical length.
I was hopeful going into this week because our doctor told me that it’s unlikely my cervix could shorten so quickly from one week to the next.
However, I have a pretty vivid memory of all the “warning signs” and feelings that I had right before my water broke with Sophie. I’ll spare you the details, but I woke up the morning of our appointment with another one of these warning signs slapping me across the face. I was anxious to get to the doctor just in case the unlikely happened. We went through the full scan and again it looked different, but we were positive and patient until the doctor came in to go through the results.
He walked through the door and immediately told us that my cervix had shortened quite a bit and that he recommended moving forward with placing a cerclage as soon as we can. In other words, they need to stitch my cervix closed to give it reinforcement. I felt paralyzed at that moment. I wanted to cry, laugh, scream, and hide all at the same time. More than anything, I wanted to let out a sigh of relief. It felt like we were right on the edge of reliving our worst nightmare all over again.
We went straight over to the hospital, checked in, and prepared for the cerclage.
I was so nervous because I know that every surgery comes with risks, but I also knew that this was necessary so I was anxious to get going. We were pleasantly surprised with a quick and smooth procedure and I was off to recovery before too long. Our heads were spinning. This was not the day we planned for at all and it was a complete whirlwind of emotions! With the timeline of when we lost Sophie, this outcome was extremely triggering for us both. We were almost in the exact same position at the exact same time in this pregnancy. The only difference is we were able to keep one baby safe and not the other. I know it’s unfair to torture myself, but I can’t help but think that if I had known what my body was doing last time we could have saved her! I’m so angry at my body for letting Sophie down and yet, I’m so grateful that we have modern medicine to watch out for us and keep this baby boy safe.
I know now more than ever that I have to continue to trust my gut and raise my hand when something doesn’t feel right.
I’m proud of the decisions we’ve made up to this point, and I’m hopeful that this is the solution our family needed. The finish line is still so far away, but as always, we’ll take it one day at a time and stay as positive as we can!