We started seeing our Maternal-Fetal Medicine Specialist at 16 weeks and have been going every week since then to check in on baby boy and me. Every week I go in a little tense not knowing what to expect and once again we were happy to hear that there is nothing new to report. However, as uneventful as this week was, being bored comes with a lot of time to worry and sit with my anxiety.
Outside of the “halfway point” and our upcoming anatomy scan this next week, I am getting closer to another big milestone and my anxiety keeps heightening as days go by.
In my last pregnancy, we had our anatomy scan just before 18 weeks. Then, at 21 weeks I was playing with my dogs one minute, and the next minute my water broke. I’ll spare you the events that followed and sadly, we all know how the story ends, but one question still rings in my head over and over again…what changed in those 3 weeks?
At 18 weeks, everything seemed perfect – with me, with our baby girl, but then only a few weeks later, we were confirming that the worst had happened and Sophie had a slim chance of survival. After an experience like this, it’s impossible not to be aware of how quickly things can change.
I wish I could rewind the clock and get an answer to my question, but the truth is that we’ll never know what happened.
If you’re anything like me, not having an answer to the “why” is one of the worst things to live with. Why did my body let me down? Why couldn’t this have happened later in the pregnancy? Why can’t she still be here with us? I want to know with certainty that this will not happen to our family again, but there’s no way around the uncertainty. This is one of the reasons that pregnancy after a loss takes so much courage. We stepped into this journey with a keen understanding of that uncertainty and that is why I am soaking in every boring minute of every boring day.
Thank goodness for this boring week and here’s to hoping another one lies ahead!