little things

I hate leaving my daughter. Monday through Friday, when I drop her off in the morning, it is the most painful part of my day. I drag at the babysitters just so I can hold her a little bit longer. To see the smile on her face just one more time. Thankfully I have a babysitter that makes my daughter so happy and is okay with me arriving early just so I can talk and hold her a little bit longer, otherwise I don’t know if I would be able to leave her every day. From the moment I leave her, I count down the time to when I get to see her again. Prior to having Charly, I had no problem working late, starting early, or running errands after work. Now, I race to get home. I hate being away from her.

So many people tell me to take a break now and then. Go out and get away from Charly and have some fun. That everyone needs a break. Those statements are so hard to comprehend sometimes. I get so confused about it. How could I take a break from her? Knowing that it is a possibility that the last time I see her alive could be that time I leave her, that she almost didn’t live to be in this world, that I never had enough time with Devyn and Jaxton. I’m not happy or okay being away from her. I don’t want to be away from her.

I remember when she was little and she wasn’t sleeping, was angry/sad/upset/who knows because she couldn’t do anything but cry. I knew that I needed a break. A time to actually sleep but I couldn’t peel myself away from her and I didn’t want to. I wanted to be able to watch her breathe. To spend time with her even if it wasn’t always happy. I wanted her to know that I’m there for her. That I won’t give up on her.

Every time I leave her, I can’t help but wonder if it could be the last time I see her alive again. I wonder sometimes if this is how I would have been with Devyn and Jaxton. Then I also wonder if I am this way now because of Devyn and Jaxton. The happy days for me are when I get to spend all day with Charly. The days that I can bring her with me everywhere or where I can stay home and just play with her.

People say that it isn’t healthy for me to be this way. I can see why they see it that way sometimes. I think thought that people forget that all rules and guidelines go out the window when a person has a child die. Some people just tell me that I need help with my separation anxiety. I just call it wanting to be with my daughter as much as I can be.

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