Just before Christmas my husband and I got some very exciting news: we have a baby was on the way! Our second rainbow baby! And right from the start, this pregnancy has felt different to my last one. Last time, I spent the entire 38 weeks pretty much assuming that my son would die like my daughter had. After all, that was my only experience; I thought I had babies and they died. But when my son arrived safely, my whole mindset changed. Maybe my babies didn’t have to die! And what freedom that thought has given me. This time, I’m fully expecting to bring this beautiful little one home.

Our announcement photo, with help from the band Third Day

 

I’m currently 16 weeks pregnant and it hasn’t been the smoothest of rides. The “morning” sickness hasn’t been as severe as it was with Ariella but it’s definitely worse than with Levi. I was kinda hoping that maybe I’d have it easier each pregnancy…but that was not to be! While morning sickness has been a familiar companion with all three pregnancies, bleeding wasn’t. At 13 weeks I had what the doctors called a threatened miscarriage. Those were scary words to hear! But thankfully scans showed our little bub was unharmed by the cramps and bleeding, and was growing beautifully. This past week I ended up in Emergency again, but this time with a nasty stomach bug. Bub kicked away happily during those few hours, even giving the doctor a good thump as she was prodding my stomach. I am hoping that the remainder of this pregnancy is less eventful with less trips to the emergency department!

I have a few friends who found joy in their pregnancies after loss and I just couldn’t understand that. I was so fearful last time! But now I see what they meant. I have another child on the way, and that makes me just so excited! Death robbed me of the chance to see Ariella grow up and it robbed me of enjoying pregnancy with my son. I will not let it rob me of anything more, including the joy of this pregnancy. Instead of fearing that each kick will be the last, I’m able to enjoy the feeling and instead of dreading putting a car seat in the car, I am excited to put the capsule in as I imagine how Levi will entertain his younger sibling during car rides.

Joy. During pregnancy! I didn’t think I’d be able to experience this again. But I’m so glad I am. And by the end of August I expect the joy to increase as I get to meet and snuggle this precious little one.

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