Week 34, wow… It stil feels surreal to be here. I’ve always looked at these dates like something that might never come and now It’s all here and I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything. My journey… Ours.. That of our son who continues to grow like a champ. I have two more ultrasounds booked at 35 and 38 weeks to check on babies position, growth and placental health and I’m so counting down to see him again.

Now that I’m further along then I was with Elli’s pregnancy, I feel like his story is detaching itself from hers  .It  provides a sense of freedom. There is nothing to compare, no more walks that can be walked together. They feel like two complete identities now, while two weeks ago I was still looking for similarities in our pregnancy stories. Being near Elli’s birthday I also took an opportunity on doing an article for a Belgian magazine that comes out  on mothers day (which is the 8th of May in Belgium) Telling the tale of both of my children. Elli’s date of death and birth is May 2 so it’ll be a lovely way to celebrate both of my children in a full circle of love and loss. Celebrating the love for a departed daughter who is gone for one year and celebrating the upcoming arrival of her legacy, and ours. I also feel like I’m standing down from identifying myself as a loss mother by itself . I’m identifying myself as a mom who’s trying to do the best she can out of a horrible loss that happened a year ago. A time for transition is near. Wether if I can thank myself for that or because my son has something to do with it, I can’t tell you. The only thing I can say for sure , is that it feels good to be in an ‘in between” now. She will always have her space with us. If people ask me how many children I have, I will always answer truthfully. She will have flowers and candles on her birthdays and most importantly, she will have our love, always..

With 34 weeks I’m starting to feel change. My Braxton hicks contractions are becoming stronger and very uncomfortable. Late evening they pick up until they come every 12 to 7 minutes.. And then they space out again when I’m about to sleep in between 11 and midnight. This is starting to become a routine now. I’m completely off progesterone supplements so this is my body doing it’s preparations .. For now.. Can’t wait for the next chapter!

Love, S.

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