This will be the last bump day blog I write! It is kind of sad because I have enjoyed doing it and loved knowing that I had people following along and providing encouragement and support. I am 39 weeks and by the time this piece is published, I will be in the hospital undergoing my induction.
I had mixed feelings about doing an induction, as I think I have mentioned before.
I was not at all comfortable going past my due date, given my history of loss, so I was the one who wanted it. But, now that it’s on Wednesday, I am nervous about it. I was hoping she would decide to come on her own before then, but it does not look like that is going to happen. I have gone through an induction before with our angel daughter, so I know exactly what to expect medicine wise. I am just still so afraid something will go wrong and I won’t get to bring my daughter home. It is horrible that loss truly robs you of the joys of pregnancy and the anticipation of bringing home your baby. You always are waiting for that other shoe to drop and waiting for something to go wrong. Even in the last moments.
Over the past week, I have seen two rainbows and happened to watch both the episode of Friends where she had her baby and the episode of the Office where Pam has her first baby. I kept hoping they were all signs that our daughter would decide to make her appearance before the induction, but no such luck! But hey, it doesn’t hurt to try to look for signs!
I also was feeling bad yesterday because I thought to myself, wow this is the last night we will have with our son as our only child.
And then, I instantly felt bad because I thought, no he has an angel sister too. I try not to beat myself up over that because I know it doesn’t mean I have forgotten about her or anything. But, it’s hard when those feelings come up. I took him out for donuts this morning as a last mother/son outing before his sister comes.
He is staying with my dad since we have to be at the hospital so early for the induction. He is so excited about her coming and keeps asking every day if she will still be here on Wednesday. I told him that my dad would bring him up to the hospital to see her, and he asked if she would still be in my belly. I told him that she would be out of my belly by then and he was disappointed and said he wanted to see her come out. I was thinking that he probably does NOT want to see that! I still thought it was cute though.
I am trying hard to remain positive.
As of Wednesday, I will get to see and hold our daughter. Our son will get to meet his little sister. My brother will get to meet his niece, and my parents will get to meet their granddaughter. We were all affected in some way by the loss of our last daughter and now we all get to celebrate the birth of our second daughter, which will hopefully help us all heal. And I can’t wait to see her sweet little face which she kept hiding from us during all of the ultrasounds.
This is the moment that everything has been leading up to. The worries about getting pregnant in the first place and all the worries through the nine months of pregnancy. All of the joys, the fears, and even all of the tears shed will culminate on Wednesday. All of those anxieties will disappear after she is in my arms, but I know a whole new set of them will develop afterwards. Because the experience of my loss will never go away. I will still be afraid of something happening to her even after she is born. All I can do is try my best to relax and take it one day at a time.
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