I am now less than three weeks away from giving birth to our daughter. If she has not come by then, we scheduled the induction for June 12, which I mentioned last week, because my anxiety can’t take going past my due date of June 16. I have found myself torn about her arrival lately.
On the one hand, I am so ready for her to be here, so that I know she is safe and healthy.
I keep trying to push back the fears of something happening in the next 17 days or of something happening during or after the birth. I am excited to see the interaction between her and my son and feel like he will be a great big brother. He gets excited talking about her and will ask questions like what color her eyes will be and what she will look like. What she looks like will be a surprise to us as well since I haven’t seen her face since the 24 week ultrasound! She has refused to show it at all during the last 4-5 ultrasounds.
On the other hand, part of me feels guilty for disrupting my son’s life with another baby.
He has been the only child for five years now and is used to getting all the attention. I wanted to do something special, like take him to the zoo or the aquarium, for the holiday weekend as something special we could do before the baby comes. But, it’s getting so hard for me to get around with my swollen feet that we were not really able to go. I tried to give him plenty of attention at home and do things like take him to the neighborhood pool, but somehow it does not feel like enough.
My brother and I are about two years apart and I remember not liking him at first. I even told my parents to take him back to the hospital. Of course, now, I am super happy to have a sibling and we get along great. There is just that part of me that worries about how life changing this will be for him as well. He is used to getting all of my attention and already does not like sharing it.
I know in the future, though, that he will like having someone to play with even though they are further apart in age. Siblings are great because they are someone you grow up with and can commiserate with when your parents are “so unfair.” I know I can call my brother any time and he will help me with whatever I need, and he is always there to listen. I look forward to seeing this bond form between them. But, I still can’t help the guilt that comes along with having this baby.
Part of me also worries that she will look like our angel daughter and how that might affect me.
I guess I just feel a bit unprepared for the birth of her. I have been through childbirth twice, but this time feels different. With my son, I went in not knowing what to expect since I was a first time mom. The second time, I was induced with our angel daughter. I knew what to expect, but also didn’t really know what to expect, since I knew she would be stillborn but didn’t really know what that would look like.
I feel like I don’t know what to expect this time as well. I guess it just goes to show that even when you have been through it before, it doesn’t mean you are ever completely prepared. I don’t know what emotions will come up and I don’t know what will physically happen. Will my water break on it’s own again? Will I go into labor on my own or will I have to be induced. All things I think about.
On a productive note, I have started getting all of her clothes and things washed that she will need. And, she already has a ton of stuff! I have done three loads of her laundry and still have a few more things to wash. I realized yesterday that she could really be here any day and I need to be as prepared as possible so I don’t have as much to do when I get home from the hospital with a newborn.