I know I have written before about how I was unsure on whether I wanted to have more kids after this baby is born. It comes with so many complicated emotions because this was not at all how I had planned for things to happen. I would have already had my children and would not even have to be thinking about this.
After going through this pregnancy, I am starting to feel like this truly will be my last baby.
I just donβt think I have it in my physically or emotionally to do this again. I truly enjoy being pregnant, but this pregnancy has been much physically harder on me than the other two. Probably due to it being the third pregnancy and also due to me being older than I was with my first. For the past six years, I have either been trying to get pregnant, pregnant, or breastfeeding and I am just tired and ready to not do it anymore.
Getting pregnant has never been easy for me and has always taken extra work. Taking supplements, doing fertility treatment, doing acupuncture, tracking my cycles, etc. I was not one of the lucky ones that just decides they want to get pregnant and it happens within a month or two. Having trouble takes an emotional toll as well. Along with that factor, I also feel I just donβt have it in me emotionally to go through another pregnancy after the loss I have experienced. Itβs really exhausting to be afraid every day that something will happen to your baby and just having that constant worry and anxiety.
Not to mention that this pregnancy is more physically challenging, as I mentioned previously. I havenβt gotten a full nightβs sleep in at least two months because I wake up due to being uncomfortable. Plus the swelling feet and the heartburn. I am not at all complaining about it and am happy to deal with it in order to bring my daughter safely into the world. But I also donβt know that I can do a fourth pregnancy as they seem to get progressively harder!
It has been something that was kind of hard to come to terms with because then I know that a certain chapter of my life is over.
It also means accepting that things will never be how I wanted them to be. As someone who likes to be in control of things, I really hate this. I still hate that getting pregnant wasnβt easy for me and that I had the loss I had. But I also have to realize that nothing I do or say will change anything that happened. And that everything that did happen led me to where I was today and shaped me into who I am now. It is because of this loss that I became involved in PALS and I feel like itβs one of the best things that could have happened. Itβs taking a crappy situation and making the best of it.
This will be my last baby.
But I also know I will get to enjoy a new chapter where I get to watch my children grow and I can get back to taking care of myself. And I know that itβs hard to say how I will feel once this baby is born. Although I have two children, I have never experienced taking care of two children at once. I know two can be much more challenging than one and that may help seal it for me. I will honestly just be happy to have my two healthy children and to have our angel daughter that we had such a short time with. I will always have three kids, even though one of them canβt physically be here with us.
Obviously, I canβt know 100% how I will feel until she is born, but my mind has definitely been leaning more the other direction than it previously was. I have about seven more weeks until my due date. I canβt wait to meet this little girl and to finally celebrate the end of this journey with a healthy baby.
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