My anatomy scan is coming up quickly and is only about a week away. It is something I have been both dreading and looking forward to. I’m scared to go because even though we have had normal ultrasounds up until this point, I am still afraid they will find something wrong. On the other hand, if we go and get the all clear, I really feel like I will be able to relax a little.
Most women probably have a small amount of anxiety about the anatomy scan because it is the most complete scan that most pregnant women get, and obviously no one wants to find out there is something wrong. For a lot of women, they are mostly just excited to find out if they are having a boy or a girl if they haven’t already done any genetic testing. They are excited to see their baby and get the all clear. Most won’t even get another ultrasound for the rest of the pregnancy.
For women who have had a loss, we are even more aware of all the things that can be wrong. Things that most people didn’t even know existed.
When you think about it, it really is a wonder that so many of us are born “normal”. I had never even heard of a congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH) or mosaic trisomy 15 before my daughter was diagnosed with them. When we did the amnio with her, I remember asking what kinds of things could come back in the results. The doctor couldn’t even really tell me because there was just such a wide variety of things. So, when we did get those results back and I could tell something was wrong, no one could have ever prepared me for a mosaic trisomy 15 diagnosis because I simply had never heard of it.
This scan is something I have been obsessing about since we scheduled it. When I go, it will have been four weeks since we last saw her on ultrasound. This doesn’t sound like a lot, when a lot of normal pregnancies only get one or two ultrasounds the entire time. But after last pregnancy, this is a long period of time! A lot can change in four weeks. I was thinking today that I had almost even kind of forgotten when it was for a moment because I have been trying to block it out of my mind so the days will pass quicker. When I was thinking about what to write today, I didn’t even think of the anatomy scan, even though I have literally been obsessing over it almost every day. It was nice to not worry or think about it for a bit.
On a positive note, I do look forward to seeing how much she has grown and getting confirmation that she is still a girl.
Even though those blood tests are accurate, it still makes you nervous. And pretty much everything we have for her is pink! I really do expect that things will be okay this time. I am choosing to remain positive. Everything has looked good so far and she has been growing right on track.
One of the main things I believe is that the baby can pick up on what you are feeling. This is why I chose to remain positive and hopeful during the entire pregnancy with my angel daughter, even when things didn’t look good. I never wanted her to feel like I was giving up on her, and I wanted her to draw on my strength. This is why, even though it is super hard, I am trying to do the same this pregnancy. I am not saying I do not have stressful moments and that I am always positive, but I try my best to redirect the negative thoughts when I can.
So I am going to go into my anatomy scan appointment on the 14th with all the positive feelings I can muster and to just be excited to get to see our daughter again. I continue to repeat to myself, I have no reason to believe anything is wrong.
I TFMR (HLHS with other heart defects and abnormalities) in May of 2017. We have two beautiful daughters already, that would have been our third child- and after almost two years of healing and growth I’ve finally opened up my heart to the idea of trying for a baby again- but I can’t lie- the idea of getting to the 20 week ultrasound- if I am blessed to make it- terrifies me. In some ways I think that day was almost worse than the termination if that’s possible. We were caught so off guard- I will never forget the look of panic on my husband’s face, or the look of concern on the technician’s face as she rushed to get a dr to confirm what she saw. The following days were a blur but the shock of that appointment still haunts me. Thank you for sharing your story. This really resonated with me. Praying for a healthy remaining pregnancy and delivery for you!! ?
I am so sorry for your loss and what you had to face during your pregnancy. I understand what you mean. The news of finding out that something was wrong was horrible. You go in and expect everything to be okay, only to be told bad news. I know it is hard to shake those emotions and experiences. But I also know, that for me personally, getting pregnant again and getting ready for another baby has also helped me heal in some ways. Thank you for the well wishes and I hope you get some peace, whether you decide to try for another baby or not <3