I now have hit 15 weeks, which is only 5 weeks away from half-way. Sometimes this pregnancy seems to be going by super fast and I can’t believe I am almost half-way done.  Other times, it seems to drag and I look at the 25 weeks ahead I still have and wonder how I will ever make it through.

My next big milestone will be the anatomy scan.

This will happen when I am 18 weeks, or the second week of January. It will also be the biggest gap I have had in a while since having an ultrasound. The extra monitoring can be both good and bad. It is nice to have the reassurance every time we have a good scan, but also causes a lot of anxiety every time one is scheduled. Nothing bad in particular happened at the anatomy scan with our daughter. We did not find anything new that was wrong, but just again saw the things we already knew were wrong. I feel like if we can get through the anatomy scan and still not find anything wrong, I can breathe a little easier.

This time last year, we were headed to Florida to see the specialist who we thought was going to be able to save our daughter.

We spent Christmas in Florida and the day or so before all of the appointments was relaxing and nice. My mom and brother came with us, so we were still able to spend it with family. Now those memories are popping up on my “On This Day” on Facebook and some are hard to see. I haven’t exactly been thrilled or excited about Christmas this year. I find myself tearing up at random times when I think about things. I had two kind friends send me ornaments with Jasmine’s name on them. I so appreciated the gesture.  It’s nice to know that other people haven’t forgotten about our daughter.

Christmas really just snuck up on me this year. Which sounds silly, since it happens the same day every year. I wasn’t really thinking about it and was still shopping last minute. I had a hard time thinking of what to get everyone and just really wasn’t in the Christmas spirit. I can’t even point to a particular reason why. I think it’s just because of everything we have been through this year. The stress of the prior pregnancy, the loss of our daughter, trying to get pregnant again, and then the anxiety over whether this new baby would have any of the same problems as before.

I am definitely ready to start fresh in the new year and leave all the stress of 2018 behind. We are spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with family, and I think it will be nice to just spend time with them and enjoy the holidays and time away from work. When I get back to work again after the holidays, it will be time to gear up for tax season, which I hope will help the rest of this pregnancy go by quickly.

I have been feeling some movement since around 12 weeks, which helps with the anxiety.

But sometimes I will feel a couple of movements every day for a while and then nothing for a day or two and it starts the anxiety again. Even though I remind myself that it’s still early and she is still small and can move into a different position easily. I just can’t wait to get to the point of consistent movement every day, which always helps with the anxiety. I think one reason that the movement is such a point of anxiety for me is because I felt decreased movement right before we lost Jasmine. I went from consistently feeling her to not feeling her hardly at all overnight and I knew something was wrong. So when I don’t feel movement now after I have felt it a few days, I am just brought back to that moment with Jasmine. I know this is a different pregnancy and the decreased movement there was due to an issue with our daughter, but that feeling still returns.

With all that said, I am determined to make this a good Christmas for my son. I got all of his presents wrapped and I know he will enjoy what we got him. I want to still be present in all the moments for him, despite the things that may be going on in my head. And next year, we will have his around 6 month old sister with us to celebrate for Christmas. I try to think ahead to that. Not if we will have her, but when we have her. And to end on a good note, we have finally agreed on a first name for her, but are still undecided on the middle name!

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