Something has shifted for me this month. Something big. For the first time in years I am making plans for myself, plans without the “what if” I get pregnant question swimming around inside of my head. For too many years I have missed opportunities and denied adventures based around the big “what if.” The thing is, I would have no regrets except that the what if typically turns out to be a big fat no and a bunch of missed adventures.
I have given up traveling because of my insemination dates, exercising due to fear of over-exerting my body which I force myself to believe must be treated with the utmost gentleness and I’ve missed a lot of hot dogs and margaritas, you know, “just in-case.” I used to feel like these losses were a small price to pay to be prepared for another chance. But I have missed out on a lot of life’s little treasures and I only have myself to blame for that. I have focused so much on the what-if’s and not the right-now’s of life.
I am a new proclaimed runner. 2 months in, slow as a camel and as awkward as they come. But I love it. It’s all mine. When I run I feel free. I feel ownership of this body regardless of its many failures. I get to choose when it’s done. I get to choose.
2 weeks ago a friend approached me about running a half marathon. At first I laughed (really loudly) and then I immediately began to count the days on the calendar until my next IUI. Before my heart could decide what it wanted, my baby brain kicked into overdrive and I convinced myself it would be too close to my testing date. I couldn’t possibly do this. “What if I get pregnant?”
And then I felt irritated. Irritated at another missed opportunity. Frustrated with the voice in my head that always seems to take lead over my heart. I am in constant fear of messing up my next chance that I miss out on some amazing things and possible accomplishments. Thinking about how many times I have weighed my decisions upon the word “if,” I started to get so annoyed that I resented the thought of this next treatment. And then something shifted. Something big.
I said yes. And I began training the next morning. I doubled my distance in 2 days and quadrupled it in one week. I chose the now, what is in front of me this very instant. Because this moment is all that I know to be a reality and if I keep saying no because of the uncertain future, then life will surely pass me by. No more. I want to live for now, for today, for what I know to be true.
So I am running. The day after the half-marathon I will take the test. And the one thing that I know for sure is that even if there is only one line on that test, I will walk out of this cycle with a medal around my neck. And I will run it for my son. I will show him just him much he is teaching his mama about living for the now and nothing else. If there are two lines then I hope that one day I can tell my future baby that he/she was born a marathon runner.
If I live for today, how can I possibly lose either way?