A Guest Post by Siri Joy

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I have developed this strange twitch where I subconsciously press gently on by breasts with the back of my hand. It is a swift movement that I catch my self-doing multiple times during the day. It started when we found out we were pregnant the first time. The soreness was my only indicator and confirmation that I was pregnant and still am.

The first time we found out around 5 week and two weeks later the tech said there was no heartbeat. There was a follow up call that said they were conjoined twins, we were lovingly told this is rare and it was better that it was caught early. After thinking and praying we went ahead with the D&C. Three days after Thanksgiving in 2013 I woke up from anesthesia crying and asking the nurse one question, “they’re gone!?”

Having PCOS we were told that it was wonderful that I was able to conceive right off the pill and our first try. Though all the words of encouragement and hope, I could find none. I have been a fighter my whole life and for the first time I found that my fight was gone. I did not want to fight; I wanted my kids. I wanted my belly to be big and my face to swell. I wanted the inevitable stretch marks and crazy hormones. Being a full time student, full time personal assistant and in an internship, I was able to get lost and just float through the boundaries of my responsibilities as I became covered in my isolation and fears.

Then 9 months later, the night my husbands play opened, I got a call from the clinic explaining that I was experiencing an early miscarriage. And out of the fog broke my voice, as I screamed “NO” throughout my house. I got dressed, put on my best smile and found my fight that night. I let a few friends know who came to the play and then informed by husband later. The man who seems to take each hit in stride and keep going.

With my fight newly polished I went to the clinic and bravely told my surgeon that I believed my body was still holding on to my lost children, which is why I had only had one period in 9 months and a subsequent loss. I needed him to give me something to restart my system. I explained that he did not need to believe me, he just needed to trust my instincts. He did, and I took a round of progesterone in the end of Sep 2014. The end of Oct 2014 I came home with medication for a UTI and a positive pregnancy test.

We were elated: this was going to be our living baby, this was going to be the one to swell my face and give me my deserved stretch marks. This was going to be the one to show me what my body was capable of doing. And he was.

He was born at 20 weeks, after my water broke the night before. He lived for 6 hours inside of me and was born just shy of 1 pound. He was perfect, had such long fingers like his daddy and his nose. His name is Micah James, and he is our promise. A promise that we will hold a living baby/babies.

His due date is today, the 22nd of July, and I recently found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. With the great support of our midwives and perinatologist ,we have seen our little pumpkin and a strong heart beat.

This path of mourning and rejoicing has been the most isolating, sad, life-giving, reflective, transformational time of my life. It has been a season that has shown me the depth of my faith and myself: a reluctant depth. Anxiety is real and alive, even though I have faced my greatest fear when I held my son in my hands.

I still believe, I still fight to believe that my arms, ears, eyes, head, heart and home, will be interrupted and filled with the precious presence of my son/daughter in a short 9 months.

I pray that the grace of God fills each woman who reads this. That the power of who God has built you fills your consciousness and drives you to the next day of hope and expectation. I thank you for their courage, perseverance and love as they/we push on in the battle towards the promises we have been given, in our dreams and hearts.


Bio_SiriJoySiri Joy lives in Minneapolis, MN with her loving husband Earl and her gigantic dog Ophelia. She is currently in her last year of school at United Theological Seminary, working on her Masters of Divinity degree. Though she is not quite clear where this will take her, she is confident God will open the right doors. When she is not dreaming/fretting over the day she will be a mom, studying or working… she love to read books, travel, attempts to consistently work-out, hang out with friends, but most of all she loves to hang out with her lovely hubby. Though she has lost 4 children in the last two years, she has not lost her perseverance nor hope to one day squeeze the chubby cheeks of her living children.

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