My second son, my rainbow, Noah, is now 11 weeks old!
There is a lot going on in our lives now. Kristen, my wife, is working part-time from home and taking care of Noah and all the messes that come along with him. I am back at work full time now. I do what I can to take care of Noah and play with Noah when I’m home, but by being out of the house I’m missing a lot.
I’m having a lot of intense feelings about everything that’s going on. I’ve never loved my wife more than I love her now. I’m very very aware that she’s given me two precious little boys, and I’m very aware that all the things we’ve gone through together give Kristen and me a bond that I’ll never have with anyone else.
And Noah, of course, has captivated me. He is an amazing little boy. His smiles are the highlights of my day. I love holding him and taking care of him. As Kristen says, Noah is my heart outside of my body.
But my love for Noah is magnifying the grief I still feel over the son we lost, Will. I’m often reminded of things that I would have experienced with Will, had he lived. First laughs, first smiles, first steps…all things I’ll never have with Will. But I will have them with Noah. So there will always be little tiny reminders of what life with Will would have been like. Of course, as brothers, Will and Noah look very much alike.
I feel guilty about my grief, sometimes. I worry that my sadness will somehow tinge my love for Noah. Will he ever see it? I hope not. Noah should never feel that he is second to Will (they’re both first, something I never thought possible), and I never want him to get the feeling that he has to “live up” to Will.
So, love and happiness and wonder mixed in with some grief. I suppose this is the new normal for a dad who is still fairly fresh in grief and brand new to active parenting.