Courageous mama, Breanna Urban, shares the birth story of her rainbow baby, Kaizden Otto Wayne.
Kaizden holds an angel charm with his sister’s ashes – Author’s Personal Collection/Breanna Urban
I’m a mommy to my angel, Kaizlyn Shelley Ariella, in heaven and a mommy to my son, Kaizden Otto Wayne, on earth. My babies are less than a year apart.
Eight weeks after my full-term (40 weeks) stillbirth, I landed pregnant again. We knew we wanted to get pregnant again, but it happened the first try. It happened very fast.
Author’s Personal Collection/Breanna Urban
I thought people were going to think I was trying to replace my daughter, which absolutely was not the case. No child is ever replaceable. I was scared I was going to miscarry the baby, or have another stillbirth. All I knew was pregnancy ending in a baby dying, not pregnancy ending in a happy live birth. But, now I know both.
On January 4, 2020, I got my first very very very faint positive test, and on January 7th I officially found out I was pregnant. It was me, the bathroom and a very positive pregnancy test staring me in the eyes. I felt numb. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, scream, or be happy.
I walked out of the bathroom to the bedroom where my fiancè was, positive pregnancy test in hand. I showed him. He smiled. He was happy. I cried.
I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t think I could go through the pain of losing another child.
I immediately called my sisters. I needed someone to tell us it was going to be okay. I feared the death of another child. I knew my daughter and mom sent me this baby. This baby was my saving grace. My mom, Shelley, passed away on September 15, 2019, and my daughter, Kaizlyn Shelley Ariella, was stillborn on October 9, 2019.
Author’s Personal Collection/Breanna Urban
I hadn’t even returned back to work yet when I found out I was pregnant again. I planned to return two weeks later. I was terrified. I thought I was going to lose my job once they found out. Luckily, I didn’t and my boss was very supportive.
I found out at 15 weeks that this baby was a boy. I was not prepared for a boy. I hadn’t yet touched my daughter’s nursery. Her clothes were still hanging, and her name was still on the wall. How in the world was I going to pack up her clothes? It took me weeks upon weeks to do so. I was convinced this baby was another girl, but he, in fact, is a boy. And today, I couldn’t imagine it any other way. This little boy is my whole entire world.
Fast forward to my 19-week ultrasound. We found out my fluid was low, as well as my placenta. They were scared of preterm labor. I was terrified. I thought right there I was losing this baby too. I was scared to tell my fiancè, I didn’t want to scare him…again. He told me, “There’s no way something bad can or will happen. It just won’t. This baby will be okay and is coming home with us.”
All I asked for was prayers from everyone around me, and those prayers worked. I went back for another ultrasound a couple of weeks later and my placenta moved up and the fluid was normal. My goodness, did I cry! What a miracle. It was going to be okay.
Well, then I hit 30-weeks pregnant. Okay, now I’m scared of the cord. Where is that damn thing? What if I go to sleep and I lose my baby?
I had ultrasounds every two weeks. My OB/GYN was amazing. She helped me survive the pregnancy.
Every. Single. Day. Multiple times a day I would go lay in bed and make sure my son was moving. I couldn’t go to sleep at night until I felt him move. I would even wake myself up in the middle of the night, just to make sure he was okay.
I ended up with high blood pressure. I had to check my blood pressure multiple times a day. Sometimes it would be normal, other times it would be insanely high. I was tested for preeclampsia twice. Both times it came back negative, thank goodness. But that was another stressor, high blood pressure. What was going to happen next?
Fast forward to the 34-week ultrasound. We found out my son was still transverse with the cord around his neck. I found out at 35-weeks that the induction was planned for 38 weeks. I couldn’t wait that long. I demanded a c-section at 37 weeks. My doctor agreed due to the passing of my daughter while I was in early labor at 40 weeks with the cord wrapped around her neck three times.
I wasn’t waiting to find out if my son would come out dead or alive. The c-section was planned for August 24, 2020, at exactly 37 weeks. That was the longest two weeks I ever had to wait in my entire life. It felt like years. It felt like at any minute he would flip, the cord would get too tight, and he would die. Just like my daughter did.
On August 22nd, I get a call from my OB/BYN, and we had to move the c-section one day ahead, to August 25th instead, putting me at 37 plus 1. I was convinced that with the extra day, he would die.
I truly don’t think I slept the night of the 24th, I spent every single minute rubbing my belly, feeling my son, praying to my mom and daughter to make sure he would come home with us.
On August 25, 2020, at 5:40 pm, Kaizden Otto Wayne was born. He was named after his big sister, Kaizlyn, and his daddy, Denziel. He was crying. He was okay!!! He was alive.
Author’s Personal Collection/Breanna Urban
I cried and cried. I couldn’t stop. The anesthesiologist didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop crying. He asked, “Are you okay? Is this happy tears or sad?” All I could say was happy and the biggest relief. I could finally breathe. I was no longer holding my breath.
The most perfect little boy entered my world, and he came home with us. He is an absolute blessing. My saving grace. My everything.
Pregnancy after loss was one of the hardest things I have done. But oh, it was so so worth it.
My son is now currently 2.5 months sleeping in my arms as I’m writing this. My son, my whole world, my everything. Oh, so worth it.
Pregnancy after loss is hard, emotional, a blessing, anxiety-filled, and beautiful that you are given another chance to welcome a new life.
To the mamas who have experienced pregnancy loss, it’s going to be okay. It might not feel like it. Pregnancy after loss will be the longest nine months of your life, but I pray for you all. I am proof that miracles do happen. Just hold on tight, hold on to hope, and pray every day to bring your baby home.
Now parenting after loss, that’s a whole new ballpark.
I’m sending so much love to every single one of us brave mamas.
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