Being a loss mom there are a great many things you dread: anniversaries, every twinge, going to the bathroom, etc. One of the biggest hurdles to my losses is the viability check of a new pregnancy.
My first pregnancy was going great. We made it to 8 weeks and saw a heartbeat. It felt good. Come the 12-week appointment, we found out the baby stopped living at about 8 weeks 2 days. Second pregnancy, we went in for a viability check, where the doctors get to take a peek at your little one and see if they can see a heartbeat. I went in for five consecutive weeks to be told, they arenβt sure and to come back. Finally at around week 12 they determined the pregnancy was not viable. Pregnancy three, I didnβt even make it a week after the pregnancy test.
I have a rainbow baby. She is almost three and full of spunk. So, when we discussed trying for another child, I knew that it would be hard.
I knew there would be certain things I needed to do in order to sustain the pregnancy. I did not know it would happen quickly, nor did I know that my anxiety about everything would be worse. Last week we had the viability appointment at 6 weeks, 1 day, which is about the earliest they can see a heartbeat. I walked in ready to hear, βI’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.β I had convinced myself that it was a dud, that it wasnβt there. For my rainbow I made jokes that I had Schrodinger’s Baby – I never knew if it was dead or alive. I found myself thinking about and knowing in my heart of hearts that there would be no heartbeat. I had a plan for the rest of my day as well. I would go to work for a few hours, then leave early and go drink margaritas.
I have a new OB from my last pregnancies. I had met her once or twice, and she was nice and reminded my husband of my good friend. So, I also had anxiety about walking into an office with a new-to-me doctor. I had anxiety that I would be getting drunk later, because I am obviously not pregnant anymore. When the OB walked in, she explained that today was the earliest they could even SEE a heartbeat, so we might not SEE anything, but do not despair. Insert the transvaginal ultrasound (if youβve never had one, you arenβt missing anything).
Adobe Stock/adragan
We see a gestational sac. β…and I have good news for you. Look, there is a tiny flutter.β
The relief of knowing at THAT moment there is a heartbeat is indescribable. The worry set back in when I got dressed and walk out the door, wondering if it will still be there next time. I had convinced myself multiple times that my symptoms had stopped and I was carrying a dead baby. For my rainbow baby, I went in weekly to have them check – sometimes scheduled, sometimes not. I am trying to mitigate my need to have everything checked this time. My 8-week appointment is next, and it will be my next test of nerves.
Here are some things I do to help get myself through the crushing (at times) anxiety:
- Remind myself of what I CAN control
- Distraction – reading, TV, texting with friends
- Mindfulness – meaning I concentrate on what I am feeling at that moment. From the top of my head through to my toes. How my fingers feel on my legs, how am I sitting, how is my breathing. Itβs kind of like meditation, but my therapist and I both think focusing on the here and now is super helpful. Everyone does this differently, please do not take my mindful as gospel.
- Make jokes about it – See Schrody above. Humor is very healing, while also a deflection of true feelings can help in a pinch.
- Talking with the women in the PALS Facebook groups. They have been here, and they get it. Validation is great.
Thanks for sharing! I can somewhat relate (4 miscarriages but no living children). But currently 5 weeks along and trying hard not to panic. Each day seems like an eternity! I wish you only the best! β€οΈ
Schrodingerβs baby. Hilarious. Iβll have to remember that. Iβm on my 6th pregnancy with one living child. Appreciate your blog!!
Thank you for sharing! So many things you can relate to, especially convincing yourself youβre carrying a dead baby. I have one living son, then a miscarriage, then a daughter who lived for 20 days and passed to a severe CHD (she was the one I kept thinking had passed in utero and Iβd deliver her stillborn, it was a miracle she was delivered alive π), then another miscarriage, and now Iβm 9weeks pregnant with my 5th pregnancy. Itβs so validating to know Iβm not the only one who has had those thoughts.