Wow. Five more weeks of official pregnancy. Technically four weeks and something, because with gestational diabetes (GD) they do not let you get too close to the 40-week mark due to known complications that can be had with GD and babies.

Rachel's 35-week bump - Goodbye February and Hello March!

We also made it to March, which happens to be Pregnancy After Loss Awareness Month.

We use the color purple to show our COURAGE in this endeavor. It also melds the pink and blue of our lost babies. One of the key themes that I try to emphasize with pregnancy after loss (PAL) is that it is HARD. It is harder than anything I can say I have emotionally and physically dealt with before. Yes, I am sure regular pregnancy is hard. There are things you go through just being pregnant that are stressful and physically taxing. I do not know if the world at large has seen how emotionally taxing this process is.

I say emotionally taxing because most pregnancies are not filled every day with wondering if you will lose the baby today. How the genetic testing will come back this time. Panic when you do not feel the baby move for more than an hour. In your mind, every twitch, pinch, pain is possibly the end of the pregnancy. It is incredibly isolating. Hopefully, we have found a good provider that we can trust and understands what we are going through enough to help ease our every concern. I have been very lucky that my providers have understood and are just as cautious about everything as I feel I need to be. I also got very lucky to have a husband who holds my hand while I panic about this and doesn’t tell me, “Everything will be ok,” because he knows that we do not KNOW that and cannot assure that.

This pregnancy versus my pregnancy with Rainbow has been a completely different experience.

I am thankful for my friend who is pregnant at the same time and is just as morbidly paranoid as I am. I am glad I can text her with my darkest thoughts and she will acknowledge and validate me. She doesn’t try to talk me out of the dark place, because sometimes we need to sit with our negative feelings and let them play out. I have a tribe that is gentle, supportive, and helpful for my anxiety.

You all are part of that tribe. You are part of the people who will hold me up when I am falling. Nothing can beat that. Nothing. I say PAL can be incredibly isolating if we let it. I purposefully isolated myself with Rainbow, and I shared very conservatively when I was pregnant. I did not let a lot of people into the secret that was my psyche. I am so happy that I can do that this time. It is much more freeing. Thank you for allowing me to vent all the things.

Shifting gears to update of my week, there is nothing too exciting this week for Rachel and Family.

Rainbow and I had to have a conversation about threats and that it is NOT ok to make threats to people, especially your parents.  We were driving home from daycare one afternoon when she asked me to watch a movie when we got home. I told her no, not today. So she said, “If you tell me No again, I am going to rip off your dress”  O_O (surprised face). So we had a discussion of what a threat is, and why we do NOT do that. I told her it is meant to scare someone, and it is not nice. So now my smart little nugget, when I tell her no, will look at me and say, “I’m going to threaten you”. Lord help me, this girl is going to be the death of me.

We also had the discussion that I dreaded–why pulling our friend’s hair or kicking or hitting are not a good way to ask to get our needs met. So when she told me she pulled a friend’s hair because she wanted to lay on the couch at daycare, I was a bit taken aback. I asked her if she asked friend to please move so she could have a turn. Did she ask the teacher to come over and help solve the fight? No. Of course not. Her teacher probably gets annoyed with me always telling her to go talk to a teacher if a friend tells us something we don’t like.

Oh, on the note of anxiety, have I told you all about our dog?

She is anxious. I mean, like we give her SSRIs daily to help with her anxiety. When she does not get them, she destroys things, gets into the trash, etc. It started with just needing it for thunderstorms.  As she has aged she has gotten more and more nutty. So I came home one day, and couldn’t get into the garage door because something was blocking it. So, Rainbow and I went to the front door, amd as soon as that was open or sweet dog SPRINTED out the door. I called her and she came back, panting, and whining. It took a few seconds to hear the chirp of the smoke detector that was dying.

At first glance, our house wasn’t in any more of disarray than it normally is, so I was feeling pretty good. Then I saw the garage entryway. Girl had a heyday. The entryway doubles as our laundry room. We have a washer and dryer on drawer pedestals. She got the one closest to the door open, pulled a bunch of stuff out, chewed on one of those Christmas treat tins. She also tore apart the door framing, chewed part of the drawer… she has some strong jaws. I checked her for any injuries, cleaned the area up and went about the day.

Poor thing. Husband’s mom had just found a smoke detector with a 10-year battery life with NO CHIRPING. We decided that we are going to trade out our current detectors for that. Later I found that she destroyed my daughter’s sleeping bag that was in her closet, and tore apart a vacuum storage bag of blankets that was in my closet.  Safe to say my dog had a rough day that day. This weekend my mother-in-law took Rainbow for a day and night so I could have some alone time (this article brought to you by… alone time.) We were able to get some cleaning and organizing done over the weekend and some quality married time as well.

I am hoping you all are having a good week. Remember to honor all the feelings that are coming and going. They are all valid and matter.

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