This week was a weird one. The weekend was full of events with miscellaneous people. Spent time as a family of three. It was husband’s last weekend before the end of his rotation. So he was feeling a lot of ‘senioritis’, which meant that I got a lot more time with him! YAY!
On Monday I woke up feeling OK, but after I ate breakfast my stomach started to turn. Fast forward to later in the day, I left work early and ended up sleeping in bed for a few hours. I must’ve caught the tummy bug that Rainbow had the week before. It was not fun.
Work has been up and down crazy. One of my mentors and good friends is leaving later this month. It is a great move for her and super sad for me. She hasn’t been through any sort of child loss, but she is the kind of person who gives you space to feel what you need. She makes me believe in my ability to do my job plus some, and build to a better place. She will excel in whatever she does, but I am having selfish pregnant woman moments and wish she wasn’t leaving.
I am getting to the point where I am using pregnancy as an excuse for everything.
I want to eat food, due to pregnancy. I don’t want to eat food, because pregnancy. I need to sleep, because pregnancy. I’m cranky, because pregnancy… you get the picture. I definitely did not do that with Rainbow. I was strong, and I can do anything and I can make it through anything. I didn’t need anyone’s help to bend over, carry anything, etc. This time around I feel very entitled to soak in all the, “Oh, you don’t do this, you are pregnant.” OK!
My non-stress tests are going well. This week I had to test a little longer due to his heart rate staying elevated. The nurse was continually coming and listening and checking on me to make sure he was calming down. It was a little nerve-wracking. My 32-week check-up happened this week due to scheduling issues with the provider. Everything seems to be going OK.
My friend who’s son passed away a year ago just went past that anniversary.
We spent time today discussing how with his ‘death day’ passing everyone expected her to fall apart and be a sobbing mess on the ground. She looked at me and said, “Am I supposed to be?” She is a social worker by trade, almost every mental health worker I know will tell you: grief, is whatever you want it to be. If you do not want to be a sobbing mess on the floor, dont. If you feel relatively unphased by anniversaries, awesome. We are all different. We all grieve differently.
It reminds me of the picture out there on the internet that is a parabola so to speak. It says what my grief is supposed to be, and next to it is another parabola with lines all over the place and it reads what my grief is. Or something to that effect. We all experience grief and loss differently. In the past, I’ve talked about how it felt weird to me having miscarriages and being sad about it. It didn’t make sense to me why I was a wreck from losing something I never really knew or experienced. I am sure somewhere out there is a woman who had an early loss and was relatively unphased.
We are all at different places in our lives and we handle things very differently.
Do not let anyone tell you that you are experiencing anything incorrectly. For some, death anniversaries are awful and haunting. For others, it’s another day that passes without noticing. How do you experience anniversaries?