This week has been a good week overall. I’m truckin’ along. There have been ups and downs, but in the end it is all good stuff.
Husband is still working on his rotation and feeling confident in his abilities as an almost doctor. Rainbow continues to push boundaries and test limits as most three-year-olds do. She is smart, kind and helpful when asked. I’m thankful that she is at a point where I can ask her to help complete a task and she is willing to help. This will be insanely helpful when Caboose is born.
Work has been more of a challenge for me with the start of a new director in my department, and general changes to the hospital. It has kept me on my toes. For the person who doesn’t like “plot twists” in their life, I have had a great many at work.
Being pregnant after loss doesn’t help with the overall anxiety and struggles of day-to-day life.
My gallows humor has gotten to the point that when I do not feel Caboose moving a lot, I assume he died or is dying and I need to prepare myself for that fact. Inevitably, within an hour he’s doing the samba in my stomach again and all is well in the world. I continue to fret about the future and what it will look like, with no reason other than my previous losses. I recognize that what will be, will be and I cannot change the fate that is coming. Just hope for the best.
This pregnancy also brings with it a swell of hormonal feelings.
More so than with Rainbow. I recall when I was about to give birth Husband saying that he was surprised and delighted that I was not one of those crazy pregnant women, or didn’t excessively act like it. This time around, it is definitely a different story. I am a raging hormone monster. I cry when my husband asks me to go to a movie. I get irrationally mad when I feel Caboose kicking when I am trying to get work done. I feel a sense of disgust and anger when people use inappropriate english. (Seriously, with the last one, how dumb to get upset about THAT?!)
I continue to try to use self talk and the ability to use my logical brain over my emotional senses to make sure that I do not go too overboard. Sometimes, the emotion just takes me. I know it is fleeting, I may even know that it is silly to be sad/mad about something so trivial. However, sometimes you just gotta let it happen. Need to let the anger come out, the tears fall and the emotions fly.
What kinds of things make you overly emotive at times in pregnancy? These can be fun stories to share so that others do not feel like they are being completely irrational at times.
I’m now at that point of pregnancy when people start asking all the personal uncomfortable questions.
Are you going to have a natural birth? Will you circumcise? Where are you delivering? How long will you take off work? Will you breastfeed? While these are common, and I know I have done these in the past, as a pregnant woman I find myself getting irrationally annoyed (note higher hormonal response) when folks ask me all these things. These are very personal questions for every mom.
Also, knowing things may not go to plan, I have not put stock into a for sure thing. I would prefer certain things, but I do not know what will happen. I recall telling people things like this with Rainbow and they would get almost annoyed that I wouldn’t just answer their questions about XYZ. The big one I remember people being put off about was, “Are you going to breastfeed?” I would say that I was hoping to, but if my milk never comes in, then I won’t. Most women would look at me like I was crazy. Only one woman told me that her milk never came in and she was glad that I was not depending on it.
It is hard to give up that level of control, I will say that a million times, because it is SO hard for me.
SO SO hard for me. I am also in a series of leadership classes, and with that I am learning a lot about myself. Turns out that I am just an overall detail oriented, need to know what is going on kind of person. I like to give and receive all the information at once. I do not like bits and pieces being handed out to me. Knowing that, this is hard to let go of.
Hoping all of you have a lovely week, and your January’s are fun and exciting!