Half way there!

It feels surreal y’all. I have my big appointment with MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) this week to look at gender, and body systems to make sure everything is growing how it should. At this point for Rainbow we were told to go see a cardio specialist at the local Children’s Hospital for the Ultrasound. It was pretty neat actually. The tech was super nice, and showed us all the items they look at and explained all the different “filters” for looking at the heart’s structure and flow. I saw where the heart was still open. I saw all her ventricles.

She then went and showed us her brain. For those of you who do not know this about me, I am a brain GEEK. If I had more discipline, I think I would’ve gone into neurology. The brain is so cool, and fascinating. I have loved it since I took Physiological Psychology in my undergrad and we learned about the brain. Our lab consisted of looking at cadaver brains and being about to identify all the surfaces, areas, and regions. I LOVED it. I told you I was a geek.

Rachel's Bump Day Blog Week 20: Planning for Anxiety

So with Caboose, I am in a healthier spot, which is why I assume that we do not need to go see the cardio specialist this time. I will find out when we get our scans.

Husband is coming to the end of his didactic studies in school and that means we are discussing residency options. He will officially graduate in May 2021. However, he wants to specialize, which I support because he is passionate about the area he wants to specialize in. With residency that means the possibility of moving away from the only state I have ever lived in. Shockingly, I am happy yet sad about this idea. I have wanted to move out of Colorado since I was 15. I had a plan to move to Oregon after undergrad, but then Husband and I started dating so it was not in the cards anymore. He would’ve moved with me, but I wasn’t sure at that point where the relationship was going.

He and I have discussed moving out of Colorado for many years.

With the idea of a second living child on the way, that is a little more daunting. I had made it clear to him that if we move, it needs to be somewhere that I will still have support. Between my depression, and being a mom, as well as his possibly 80-hour work weeks. I will need HELP. I am fairly self-sufficient, but there are times as a parent and human I need time alone. We all do.

I am an introvert. I have discussed this briefly before. As an introvert I need time alone to recharge. The hour long drive home everyday doesn’t really count. Last Monday my work observed Veteran’s Day, and I took Rainbow to school. I then went to lunch with a friend and spent the day alone. I cannot explain how rejuvenating that was for my mind and body. I did laundry at my leisure, read a book while the cat snuggled me, ate whatever I wanted without little hands trying to share. Watched some Netflix that I cannot watch with Rainbow around. It was AMAZING.

Knowing this about myself, I mentally prepare myself for when Caboose arrives and I will have even LESS alone time.

How will I take me time? Who will watch the kiddos while Husband is at work so I can wander Target aimlessly? I have a good friend who is also an introvert and her husband is in the Navy, so he deploys often and for long periods.  She has two beautiful kids, and she takes her time when and where she can. She seems to be able to have her small moments and be ok. I know I cannot deal with it. Many would say this is a reason I need to stay where I have friends and family who can help. I say it is another obstacle to that I get to figure out how to conquer.

I know it is a “first world problem.” I hear myself and say, “Stop complaining.”  Yet, it is my worry. It is my concern. My therapist would tell me that I need to stay anchored in the now. I need to think about what I am doing now to keep myself happy. When and if I move, then I can worry all I want and start problem solving mode.

What is it that gets you all worried and freaked out about the future?

Other than the obvious, will my child live question? Is it childcare? Naming them? Safety? Driving with a tiny fragile human in the car? I recognize that I live with anxiety at baseline so this isn’t going to be easily solved with some mindfulness. What do you do to help with this?

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