I am starting to feel comfortable in this pregnancy. Sounds crazy right?
I have a doppler and night after night I can hear little man’s heartbeat in there. I would honestly take it everywhere with me and spot check constantly, but that is a little overkill. Other loss moms know that it doesn’t feel like overkill, though. The assurance that my baby is alive is sometimes all I need in a day.
I am still struggling to acknowledge that I am IN FACT pregnant.
Once again, sounds crazy given my previous statement, right? I forget. This morning as my co-worker, friend and other PAL mom was wheeling a chair, awkwardly, into an office to eat breakfast, I said something along the lines of, “Woah, there pregnant lady.” It came out of my mouth and my brain said, “Wait, you’re pregnant too. What were you saying?” I honestly have no solid answer for that. It just came out. I am so used to other women being pregnant and me not that I cannot for some reason put the two together.
I started passively putting together an online registry of things I know we do not have and/or gave away. As I am doing it, I struggle to think, “This is for MY baby.” It feels foreign to think that with conviction. I emailed the benefits department at work to request FMLA paperwork. As I am doing this, my brain is screaming “WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!”
I cannot explain well enough how hard it is for me to recognize that this is *hopefully* going to happen. In 24 weeks-ish I will be holding a baby boy. Say what?
This week has been filled with anxiety about the pregnancy.
I am continuing to tell people that I am “knocked up,” and hearing the congratulations and then judging how uncomfortable I want to make someone when they ask how many kids I have, or if this is my first.
I have a rounder, larger tummy at baseline so I always look approximately six months pregnant. So I have lived my life getting asked when I am due. So now that I am pregnant, I get asked “Are you starting to show?” I do not know. Great question.
I am snarky and sarcastic at baseline, so my tendency is to want to be a jerk and say something like, “Your mom is showing,” or “You are showing!” I am working on impulse control and not being a jerk to people who are asking questions they do not know are weird.
As you all I am sure know and have felt before, I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I am pregnant again, and that I will *hopefully* have this living child. We are telling our Rainbow that she will be a big sister. She is excited for her baby brother. She still however gets jealous when I look at another child, so this could still be interesting. As she talks about baby brother, my anxiety SPIKES. I feel like I am jinxing the pregnancy by telling her this.
I am fairly superstitious. Any time I think, “Oh, Karma is going to kick my butt for that,” it does.
So, as I am telling people my pregnancy is a real thing, I feel the prick of, “You are going to regret this.” I refuse to let the anxiety win. Last pregnancy, I didn’t publicly announce it until Rainbow was born. A lot of people were very confused. I remember a co-worker hadn’t seen me in five months and walked into training and stopped. linked. Then asked me how pregnant I was and why he didn’t know. After I came back from maternity leave, he stopped by every month to make sure I wasn’t gone or anything.
As much as anxiety has controlled a lot of my life decisions, I am not letting it control this. I need this win. I need this to work out ok. My doctors are following me closely. My gestational diabetes numbers are good, and they are monitored by an RN weekly. Anxiety will always be there, but this pregnancy won’t. So, until it is over, one way or another, I will continue to fight the anxiety. I will continue to think positively. I will continue to believe everything will be fine. With the support of my amazing husband, friends and family. Everything will be OK. Not perfect, but OK.