Week 22 starts December. The month of giving, togetherness and family. December is at times super trying for the pregnancy after loss (PAL) community. Even more so for those of us who have actual loss anniversaries in December. We are faced with our kids that are not here. The kids we dream of what we would’ve given for them. We are loss moms left wondering.

PALS is launching their annual #WhatWouldIGive campaign.

I participated last year, writing about my first miscarriage, Marjorie. Last year she would’ve been four, so we thought we would give her a rocking horse, since her name derived from a Counting Crows song called Another Horse Dreamer’s Blues.

As I roam through the aisles of Target looking at the amazing toys, I think about #WhatWouldIGive to the baby who left…

Posted by Pregnancy After Loss Support on Tuesday, November 27, 2018

My friend who’s son died in February 2019 would have an almost 1 year old, he would be showered with blocks, trucks, etc.  Instead she is preparing for the arrival of a little girl instead. #WhatWouldIGive is all about what gifts we would be showering our missing little ones with, as well as a fundraising opportunity for PALS.  We ask that instead of the money you would’ve spent on your sweet angel, you give it to help support our community.

Rainbow will get some fun things for a three-year-old, a sassy one at that. I think of what I would get Marje, and I am sort of drawing a blank.

Would she be into Barbies? Disney Princess everything? Erector sets? Would Kindergarten be changing her opinion on items she once loved? I like to think that, similar to my husband who never cared what anyone thought of him, she would also not care and want all the things. She would definitely be riding her bike all over the place and riding circles around Rainbow on her balance bike.

Rachel's Bump Day Blog, Week 22: What Would I Give - loss moms left wondering

Would she be in dance like her mom? Tae Kwon Do like her Papa? Would she be dreaming of playing t-ball in the spring? Or Soccer? Would she LOVE all the Christmas movies like her Mom? Would she ask to watch Mickey’s Christmas Carol every year like her Mom? Help with baking cookies for Santa? Getting Menorahs ready for Hanukkah? All these unanswered questions. They do not usually come up at other times of the year. My friend has a son who would’ve been six months older than her. Would they be best friends?

It hurts to think I should have at least one other shining face to bring joy to on Christmas. One more rosy-cheeked cherub whose face glowed in the light of the Christmas tree. As I remember reading in a post from PALS’ Founder Lindsey Henke at one point, I am thankful that I am given the opportunity to have this little boy in my stomach today. We only ever wanted two kiddos. So if Marje had made it, we wouldn’t have little Caboose on the way.

This is our struggle as loss moms. We are left wondering. Always wondering.

Most times of year I can push it off. Most of the time I can shrug the thoughts and keep pushing through my day. Holidays make it extra hard. Coupled with other familial losses around this time of year, holidays are a struggle, and have been for 11 years. We love whom we have near us and think of those we cannot see.

So, if you can this holiday season, consider giving to PALS. We have a lot we want to achieve this next year and everything helps. PALS is looking a launch their very own Pregnant After Loss App. This will have resources for moms like you and me that won’t be “planning for your first baby” kind of articles. But instead the wonderful articles you see all the time, about how to deal with anxiety, loss, family opinions, and so much more.

What would you be giving your little ones this holiday season? I’d love to hear about what you think you’d be giving your little ones who are not earth-side with us.

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