My journey to motherhood was not easy. I was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 16. In the back of my mind, I always knew it would likely be hard to get pregnant but was not really worried about it at the time. I got married and when we were ready to start a family, it was not happening due to my irregular cycles. We saw a reproductive endocrinologist and started fertility treatment. After a failed treatment cycle, we got pregnant naturally the month after and gave birth to a healthy son. When we decided we were ready to try again a couple of years later, we went through more fertility treatments, a chemical pregnancy, and a miscarriage.
Finally, we got pregnant again and everything seemed to be going well.
She was going to be our rainbow baby after two losses. At our 12 week ultrasound, we were told our daughter had CDH (congenital diaphragmatic hernia). This meant she had a hole in her diaphragm that allowed her other organs to move into her chest cavity and compress the lungs. We were given basically a 50/50 chance that she would live. If she did live, she would likely have a lot of medical complications. To say we were devastated was an understatement.
I chose to hope for the best and believe that she would make it. I researched and found a specialist who would help us and give her a good chance at life. I was willing to relocate and do whatever I could to help her. Unfortunately, we received more devastating news after we did an amnio. Jasmine had mosaic trisomy 15, which is extremely rare. We did not know how this would affect her, but I still remained hopeful. She had made it this far, so I knew she was a fighter. Ultimately, she developed hydrops and was stillborn at 32 weeks. My body knew she was gone before I saw that there was no heartbeat. I remember standing in the waiting room of the hospital and my heart rate was racing even though I was not moving. At that moment, I just knew in my heart she was gone.
Author’s Personal Collection/Sarah Cox
I then had to go through one of the hardest things of my life and give birth to my daughter knowing I would never hear her cry.
I remember hoping that the doctors were wrong and that I would hear that cry. I remember telling my husband, “I can’t do this.” We were able to spend time with her and hold our beautiful girl. We took pictures and the nurses were all incredibly kind and helped us get as many special memories as possible. I will never forget their kindness. And then, it was time to go home. I left my daughter in the arms of a nurse and we left without her.
I did not know how I would ever move on from losing Jasmine. You hear of losses happening to other people, but never expect you will be the one on the receiving end. Though I was surrounded by people who were incredibly kind and supportive, I still felt so alone. I had many people reach out to me afterwards telling me of losses they had also experienced. I knew in the months following that I wanted to help other people going through loss not feel so alone. I got connected with PALS through a friend of a friend. I started a blog after our loss and wrote about all the various feelings and emotions I was going through. I started being a moderator for the online PALS support groups and gave support wherever I could.
Six months after our loss, we did a round of fertility treatment and were fortunate that it worked.
Author’s Personal Collection/Sarah Cox – Photo Credit: McGowan Images
I was pregnant with my second daughter, who we named Emma. The pregnancy was full of anxiety and fear. At every ultrasound, I was terrified we would get bad news. I became a Bump Day Blogger for Pregnancy After Loss Support (PALS) and wrote about my weekly journey through pregnancy after loss. It was incredibly therapeutic to write and share how I was feeling with others who understood what it was like to experience loss. PALS has been such a lifesaver for me. A place to openly share our fears and anxieties, while also sharing about the joy of our rainbow babies. Emma was born healthy in 2020 and I remember just crying with relief the second she was placed on my chest.
Author’s Personal Collection/Sarah Cox – Photo Credit: McGowan Images
After the birth of our rainbow baby, I knew I wanted to do even more to help other people going through loss. I continued being involved with PALS in any way that I could. During my pregnancy, I took maternity pictures using an incredible rainbow skirt that I had ordered. Wearing it made me feel so powerful and strong. Sharing our story and those pictures was healing and freeing. It made me realize that I would always carry my grief and my losses with me, but that I could also do something bigger because of it that helps others.
Author’s Personal Collection/Sarah Cox – Photo Credit: McGowan Images
I started Project Finding Your Rainbow a little over a year ago.
The point of the project is to show how people have come to find their rainbow again after a loss. For some, this is having a rainbow baby. For others, this could mean something entirely different, like starting a new business, a new job, or anything else it might be. The rainbow skirt now travels from one loss family to the next. They take pictures with the skirt and then the pictures and stories are shared. This helps raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss and gives women a chance to openly share their stories. The feedback I have received from participants has been amazing. Some have shared their story before and some are sharing for the first time. The stories are not changed and are completely in the words of the person who wrote them. Some choose to share just a few details, while some end up sharing a lot. Many never got maternity pictures with their loss pregnancies and are grateful to have them now. They are all bonded over being part of the special journey of the rainbow skirt.
Author’s Personal Collection/Sarah Cox – Project Finding Your Rainbow Participants
So far, 87 stories have been published. The skirt has traveled to 27 states and two other countries, including Canada and the UK. Women have participated who are currently pregnant with their rainbow baby, those who are still waiting on their rainbow baby, and those are already had their rainbow baby. There are so many different types of people that have participated and I am so honored they trusted me to help share their stories.
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I feel that everyone has a story to tell and every story is important.
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Telling our stories of loss, healing, and pregnancy after loss help us heal. They help others know they are not alone and that it is okay to talk about loss. So many families are affected by loss every day and so many do not feel as though it is okay to talk about. Some people receive no support at all and I do not want that for anyone. My hope is for this project to continue for as long as possible and include as many people as possible. It is incredibly powerful to see all the photos of the amazing women who have worn it and shared their story with the world. Our stories may be different, but we are all united through the experience of going through loss.
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If you have been through loss and want to share your story, I would love for you to be a part of this special project. I do this project in honor of Jasmine and in honor of all the babies that did not get to stay. Visit Project Finding Your Rainbow for more information and to fill out the form to participate. Follow Journey For Jasmine on Instagram to meet the moms who have participated in Project Finding Your Rainbow.
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