Guest Post by Allison Kelly

***I wrote this on 3/25 the day I saw pregnant for the second time on a pregnancy test; and 20 days after my due date with our twins that we lost at 22w5d***

GP_AllisonKellyUltrasound

I stumbled as my feet hit the ground. You know that shaky feeling in the morning, where you are half awake and half asleep. The bottom of your feet tingle as they adjust to the weight of your body. I walked into the bathroom. Hair a mess, sleep in both my eyes.

I fumbled my way to my sink. Still not fully comprehending what I was about to do. I had 48 hours before my blood test. But I had held off peeing on this stick for as long as I could. I bent down, grabbed the test and like smelling salts are used to wake people up that have fainted, I was now eyes wide open as I ripped into that package (hurrying b/c if I didn’t get it open I was going to pee in my PJs right there).

I took less than 10 steps to the toilet. Relief in one degree; pure anxiety and stress on the other.

I have seen one positive pregnancy test in the three years Bill and I have been trying to have a family. One. That one was all that mattered. I never thought I’d be here in this moment again so soon, hoping and wishing and praying and begging and pleading to see “pregnant” on a digital window. My heart sank as I waited and waited and waited. Three minutes goes by so quickly when you aren’t waiting for that result. In that moment, it felt like three days.

I paced and paced continually making my way back to the sink waiting for the result. Then there it was the hour glass stopped blinking, the results were in. I was pregnant. For the second time in nine months I was pregnant. Nine months to the day in fact. June 25th I took my pregnancy test at home with the twins, March 25th I’m here doing the same thing. Nine months.

Nine months after a positive pregnancy test you’re supposed to be holding your baby. Not another pregnancy test.

I am so grateful for this result. Please don’t get me wrong. I am beyond happy and excited and blessed at the idea and the dream of bringing home a baby; I am also incredibly guilty for being happy. Terrified that my body isn’t going to “hold up” during this pregnancy, and so many more emotions I can’t even begin to put down on a blog. I can’t even work through them in my head, much less try to write them down eloquently enough for someone else to read.

In this moment, I am taking it one minute at a time. I am truly happy for this baby and I pray every day for one more day with my precious little bean growing inside of me.


GP_AllisonKellyAllison Kelly lives in the Dallas, Tx Metroplex with her husband, Bill their two dogs and is a mother to boy/girl twins (Easton & Piper) who went to Heaven at 22 weeks 5 days. She is currently pregnant with their rainbow son, Tripp, due in December 2015. You can follow her pregnancy after loss journey at Keeping up with the Kellys.

 

 

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