I thought that I wouldn’t be at risk for postpartum depression with Charly. How could I get it? There is no way I could be unhappy having a living child at home. All of this love that I had inside me to give out has a place to go. Like so many other times with many things, I was incredibly wrong.
I have realized something about postpartum depression. It doesn’t always mean that you hate your child like many people think. Postpartum depression has such a bad stigma to it that it is hard to admit you have it. I love my new daughter more than I thought I could. I look at her and I smile. When she cries a certain way it makes me laugh. I don’t want to be away from her because my heart actually hearts when she isn’t in the vicinity. Even with all that, I have postpartum depression.
These past 7 weeks of having her have been extremely hard. There is no such thing as a perfectly behaved baby. I know that Charly isn’t. She screams, claws when I’m breastfeeding her, likes to be held to sleep, has bad gas issues (which in turn causes a lot of the crying), the list goes on. These things are completely frustrating. Dealing with these things all day on a daily basis will cause any person to get frustrated. The problem with that, I wouldn’t let myself.
When she was crying for 2 days and nights, giving me about a 30 minute break between feedings, having no sleep, not even being able to remember the last time I brushed my teeth, I wouldn’t allow myself to cry and get upset. What right did I have to be upset with her? I should be grateful that I have a living child here that can do that. Devyn and Jaxton didn’t even have the ability to cry. I need to just suck it up, deal with it and be grateful. Wow. There I go again holding in my emotions and not letting myself feel things.
It has taken me almost 7 weeks to realize that it is okay for me to be upset and angry. My postpartum depression stems from my guilt of having her healthy and alive. I need to be upset and angry. That is the normal process. Crying because she is crying and won’t stop is okay. It doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for her. It means that I have no idea what she wants and it hurts me to not know. This is a whole new life that I have entered into that I was never prepared for.
I know that postpartum depression can be a serious condition where it can cause concern for the safety of a child. This is why it is so hard for people to admit that they could have it. I didn’t want to admit it with the stigma to it and people look differently upon a mother for. I am not licensed, certified or have any type of authority on the matter but I believe that postpartum depression should be looked at in a different light when you give birth to a child after loss. There is a different type of pressure that comes with a child after loss.
Here I am, announcing that I am a mother with postpartum depression. Postpartum depression caused because I wouldn’t allow myself to feel all my emotions because I didn’t think I had a right. Many different things can cause postpartum depression and having a child after loss doesn’t mean you are immune to it.