Friends and family may really struggle with what to say to someone who is pregnant again after loss.
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Here are some of the darndest things I heard during my pregnancy after loss.
“You’re pregnant already?”
Why yes, I am! I’m not sure what you mean by this comment. However, my plans for building my family, how I choose to go about it, and when I choose to do it is really not something I need your feedback on or comments about. Thanks!
“See, Everything happens for a reason.”
Nope. Just don’t say this!!! Ever! Not everything happens for a reason, and you know I’m okay with that. I’ve come to terms with the fact that sometimes things happen that are unfair and don’t make sense, like the death of a child. When you say this to me, you are not trying to comfort me, you are really trying to comfort yourself. Again, just don’t say this, ever.
“Are you worried that this baby might die too?”
What do you think? Of course I am. Wouldn’t you be? Silly question.
“Are you sure you want to risk it?”
Um, what? Are you implying that I did something wrong in my last pregnancy that caused my baby to die? What am I exactly risking? If you don’t know why my baby died and your not my doctor, please don’t ask stupid questions. Then I won’t reply with curt answers.
“Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.”
Do you have crystal ball at home I don’t know about? The reality is we just don’t know what will happen. I didn’t think it would happen the first time. What makes you so sure it won’t happen now?
“Congrats! You can move on now.”
You don’t move on from losing a child. One child does not replace another. Saying this is just plain rude.
“Your family is now complete.”
Um, what? You don’t know what my thoughts are on what would make my family feel complete to me. Also, the sad truth about life after loss is that in some ways my family will never feel complete. There will always be someone missing.
What have you heard? How do you reply to the silly things people say to you when you are pregnant again after a loss?
- 12 Things to Say to the Mom Pregnant Again after a Loss
- 11 Things NOT to Say to the Mama Pregnant Again after a Loss
- Supporting Moms Pregnant after Loss: 10 Things To Say
- 10 Things No One Says to the Anxious Pregnancy After Loss Mom (But Probably Should)
- What to Say to the Mom Pregnant after Loss: The Ifs, Ands, Or Buts
Truely heard and hurtful:
“Haven’t you had enough? ”
Think this might mean enough babies but was too shocked to ask!
“At least…” I have lost two babies shortly after birth and when someone starts a sentence with “at least” I want to punch them in the face. “At least you have Bella” (my only living child). “At least your husband is so supportive” “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
I will literally stop people mid sentence and explain gently that it’s totally appropriate to use “at least” sentiments in your own life, but totally inappropriate to use them in other peoples lives.
“You can’t worry! It’ll hurt/it’s not good for baby!”
While obviously too much stress isn’t great, the implied blame and sheer ignorance of this statement infuriates me.
I have recently found out I am expecting again after we lost our baby boy at 23w in January. I am anxious about the pregnancy as it is but the thought of telling people and their reaction… And my reaction to their reaction is making me nervous.
I am so pleased i have found this page.
“Why are you NOT already pregnant” or “Just try again, you’ll get over it” are the most hurtful thing I’ve heard.
More than anything I would want to be pregnant again but I can’t control it and I will never just get over it even if I had multiple healthy babies.
After my daughter died (from cancer at age 2), and ended up with a very shocking positive pregnancy test 8 days after she died, a few months later I had someone say, ” well it’s the circle of life”. Seriously, my 2 year old is dead a s THAT’S the circle of.life?!!! Even 17 years later it still stands my heart and ticks me off! The death of a child is never the “circle of life”.
My friend and I started PALS in Australia in 1994. We had both experienced multiple full term or mid term pregnancy losses.
Our loss, our first pregnancy, was a sweet little girl. Rainbow #1 was a boy, and when we found out that Rainbow #2 was a girl, people (coworkers) kept saying, “Oh, good, now you have one of each!” No. I already have one of each. When it comes from people who don’t know your full story it’s painful, but at least unintentional. When it comes from people who do know, it’s downright hurtful. I had to remind my direct supervisor a couple of times before she stopped saying it.
I was told to try to believe that had she lived, she would have made me cry even more. Seriously?
Oh the infamous “it won’t happen again”. People think that makes it so much better. It only raises the question of “why did it happen to my little girl at all?”
We recently announced my pregnancy as us being 4 now. Our firstborn’s stillbirth last November was everywhere; we had documented his funeral, burial, and his gravestone installation for everyone to to see. But a comment we received quite a few times was: TWINS?!?!?!?! Even my husband’s family (who attended the funeral) thought that it meant we were having twins. They apparently had a huge discussion together about it because the next morning we woke up to missed calls and messages asking for us to confirm it was twins. I simply answered no, it’s just one baby. They’re response was, we all thought it was twins! At that point, I gently reminded them that Elisha is our firstborn and he made us 3 and now we are 4. I understand other people forgetting, but I was rather flabbergasted that my husband’s family pushed their deceased grandson aside so quickly. He may not have lived outside the womb, but he had a beautiful, vibrant life in the womb and he’ll always be our firstborn son.
Oh, Candace, that is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you experienced that from family. Thank you for sharing ALL of your babies with us. Remembering Elisha with you and holding hope for your current pregnancy.