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It still feels like time is ticking by slowly, but there are finally signs that time is indeed passing. I’ve started to feel a few baby flutters; they’re faint and inconsistent, but they’re there. At my 18 week prenatal yesterday my doctor was kind enough to offer to do a quick ultrasound so we could see the baby. It’s always so reassuring to see the little peanut wiggling. Everything is looking good.

My heart is torn because I know it would be healthy (possibly even healing) to connect with this new baby, but it’s hard being afraid to have my heart broken all over again. I know that deep down I do love this baby, but it’s as if there is an “aloof-ness”. Not because I don’t care. I care about the wellbeing of this little life, but I also care about the wellbeing of my emotional health. In a PAL it’s hard to find that balance so that I don’t feel like a terribly selfish mother.

Finding ways to cope with all of the conflicting emotions is challenging at times. Some of the things I would normally do don’t fit into my lifestyle right now. Obviously alcohol is out of the question, so my usual (non-pregnant) occasional glass of wine isn’t on the list. Prior to this pregnancy I enjoyed running; I was hoping to work my way up to doing some races, like a color run. Since becoming pregnant my doctor and I have agreed that moderate, low-key exercising is fine so I’ve been going for long walks instead.

It took a while to find a “coping groove” that works for me, and there are still times where I have to adjust, but I’m finding some things that work for me. I write for this blog to help me have a positive outlet to share and connect with other PAL community members. I’ve made changes to our regular lifestyle so that I’m able to stress a little less; we use paper plates more so I don’t have to worry about dirty dishes. I experiment with mocktail recipes. This weekend I’ll be pulling out all the cute autumn decor to get us excited for the fall season. I’ve also just joined a new moms group, so there are many opportunities for play dates and such to keep us busy.

Anything to distract me from the myriad of thoughts that can swell up in my head at any given moment. Anything to help pass the time.

What sort of things help you to pass the time during your PAL? What are some things that help you cope?

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