Our rainbow baby is 7 months old! It is absolutely fascinating how quickly time has flown by. Not too long ago he was a small, tiny baby and now he is an infant that is ready to be on the move daily! Jowen wants to touch every little thing! He is constantly moving and crawling since he was 6 months. Also, he is even holding the bottle which is absolutely amazing. I use that time to be on my phone or look at anything I need to since he wants to be a big boy.

Jasmine and Jowen - Parenting After Loss: Getting Back to Self-Care

Author’s Personal Collection/Jasmine Simmons

So much has been happening since the beginning of the new year.

We were not expecting to take that leap of faith and put our house on the market. But we did and now it is under contract, and we are ready to move. When I think back before and during dealing with infertility, I was always trying to plan my life in accordance with how I thought it should be. This time, it was so different we literally made this decision out of the blue even though we had been talking about eventually selling our house and moving. I never pictured moving to my parents while we wait to get a new home built. Yes, I said it. A BRAND NEW HOME. I am excited for Jowen to have more space and build new memories in another home. So, that is what has been going on in our lives. Yes, it has been a tad bit stressful with having to declutter and literally move while taking care of an infant! Family support is so necessary, and I am so glad that we have that!

During these past few months in the new year, it’s been surreal no doubt watching Nick and me as parents! However, it has also been eye-opening for me with how quickly things can change as a result of that. Although I love being a mother to Jowen, I will say that it has been hard to watch myself neglect self-care. Self-care is something that I always have taken so seriously even during this pregnancy. Being busy has caused me to not beat myself up which is good in some sense. But I find myself just sitting and thinking when I have the time like why have I not gotten my nails done in months? Why am I eating like this? Why am I not exercising? I feel that I am getting more hit with the effects of postpartum 5-6 months in. I feel like people talk about the first 3 months but what about months later or even a year later? I am scared that I will end up losing myself and drowning because I have trained my mind to not beat up myself, but I do not want to be in that pattern of not doing anything to change how I feel.

I know that I am doing great as a mother and the best that I can.

But I find myself thinking about Jowen and him almost reaching a year old and what that will look like. Am I doing all that I need to do to ensure that he is learning everything he needs to learn? But I try to stay away from reading anything that has to do with the stages of where baby should be. Although Jowen truly actually has exceeded milestones anyway for his age.

I just want to find that part of myself that found so much peace in self-care. For the first time in so long, I really do miss it. I feel that it is far from my reach when it really has not. I finally did pick up a journal and wrote in it. That felt good! I want to do that more. I truly do. I even started to think about the next step in our fertility journey and how we would want to go back and transfer our last embryo! I want to be healthy emotionally and physically. But, all I can tell myself is that I have a new month to reclaim my power. I know I can do it!

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