To the loss mother who swore she ever got to meet her baby she would never yell at him/her, who just lost her temper and screamed – I see you.
I know it. It’s awful. I promised the Universe if I ever got to meet my babies I would be gentle and kind. Always.
Usually, I am. From time to time, real life happens, I get pulled in 200 directions and I snap at the child who gets up out of bed for sixth time. Not because I feel I am being “disobeyed” or “disrespected.” But because I don’t have anything left. I’ve been patient all day and I simply can’t answer one more question.
I need quiet.
This doesn’t make me a bad mom – This makes me human.
I see you. I see you feeling guilty about hurting the being you prayed for, pined for, longed for, the being you so adore. Don’t. Guilt doesn’t serve you. And trust me- they forgive. They understand. I have learned to apologize authentically. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I am really tired. I lost my temper. I am trying to learn not to yell, but I did. I’m sorry. They know. They are gentle with me.
You are a beautiful mother doing a tough job. It’s not easy to hold space for every one’s emotions – let alone yours. Often, when I reach the breaking point, I realize it’s because I haven’t had room to breathe, to process, to honor my own feelings – and I’m a person of big feelings. I need time and space. That’s okay.
I see you, mama, I see you crying in the bathroom because some piece of you aches for the little one you lost, and another piece aches with gratitude for your little one napping down the hall – and the whole thing exhausts you.
I see you. You thought you would be an inspired mother, every day, and today you are fried. Completely fried. And you took it out on your sweet baby.
Forgive yourself. Take some breaths. Make some tea. Schedule some time for yourself. Relax. Refuel. Be kind. Be gentle. Honor your courage.
You are traveling a unique path. There are no rules to follow. I see you, and I send you much love.
I see you.