Some days when my boys are just too sweet I feel like my heart will burst watching and admiring them. Then I think how much fuller it should be if I could watch all three of my babies playing, laughing and dancing. There’s this constant up and down. Just when I think of how beautiful this life is, sure enough life knocks me back down as I think how much sweeter every moment would be if my daughter was still here. After 2.5 years I’ve realized days can be good again but they will never be as good as they should’ve/would’ve/could’ve been.
I kind of think of it all like this mountain adventure that I never wanted to go on. The beginning was as if someone just dumped me out of a moving car on the side of the road with a ratty old backpack that wasn’t even mine. I wasn’t prepared. I was not physically or mentally ready to climb this mountain.
Yes, I could have just stayed at the bottom… But there was nothing there for me anymore. I had to start to claw, crawl and climb my way up. Slowly, I’ve learned to open this backpack and discover things I’ve had with me all along. I have found my strength. I have found my desire to be the best mother to all of my children and I have found an incredible amount of pride in this journey that I was forced to take. One of the absolute best survival tools I have found has been the other mothers who are climbing this mountain with me. They may be way up ahead or just getting dumped out of their car… They may not even be on the same mountain. But they are there. I can see them and I can feel their strength. Just knowing that I am not alone on this mountain has given me so much energy to keep pushing.
Along the way I have seen a lot of beauty. It’s been the most grueling climb imaginable, but on the way up there are some amazing sights. I know I will be climbing this mountain forever and there is this peak that I will never reach. I am learning to be content to hang out on the side of this mountain. The views are beautiful but I can only imagine how much more beautiful they would be at the top.