Guest Post by Jillian Gaw

Nine months already?! It has been nine months since we celebrated what we believed would be our last wedding anniversary alone. I was 3 days overdue. We came home from our 2 year anniversary dinner, and started wondering if we would be heading into work the next day. My water broke around 1:00 that morning. When I got out of bed, I noticed it was all blood. We knew something was not right. Unfortunately, the initial medical professionals did not. It took us over 2 hours after calling 911 to get to an appropriate hospital. At that point I was finally put on a fetal monitor and within minutes I was surrounded and being wheeled into the OR. I woke up to learn that, after a perfect pregnancy, I had suffered a placenta abruption and our SON (we did not know what we were having) would not survive. Patrick passed away in our arms 3 short hours after being born.

JillianPatrick

At follow up appointments we asked the question even though we had no idea how we could possibly even think of it, “when can we start trying again.” My OB and the doctor who did our c-section both agreed 6-9 months would be safe. About 3 months later, we met with a perinatologist to talk about what the plan would be if we did in fact get pregnant again. She was clearly more comfortable with waiting 9+ months before trying again. It seemed so far away, but yet so soon at the same time. There were days I would think 6 months is fine, after all two doctors said so. Other days, I would think it was coming too soon and trying again is not even a consideration. The fear and guilt were too much for me.

Six months came and went without any effort. It was too soon. And now we are at nine months and I feel like I am the rope in a game of tug of war. The fear of another loss is overwhelming. The fear of putting another baby through that is debilitating. The guilt of moving forward is unbearable. But the desire for more children is not going away. It was always our intention to have multiple children, and close together too! I keep trying to tell myself that our plan is not changing because we lost Patrick. We are not replacing him; we are honoring him by sticking with the plan and not changing because of him. We are simply making him a big brother.

So as we start to seriously consider TTC again, I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories and reminding me that I am not alone. I hope to soon have the courage to choose hope over fear.


Bio_JillianGawJillian is a 31 year old paralegal living in Massachusetts with her husband Pat. After 40.3 weeks of a perfect pregnancy, Jillian suffered an unexplained placenta abruption when her water broke on September 2, 2014. Their baby boy, Patrick, passed away in their arms just three short hours after he was born. She has relied heavily upon support groups and finding ways to honor her son in order to cope with the grief. She has turned to the Pregnancy After Loss Support Group to help find hope for the future.

 

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