I thought that getting pregnant with, hopefully, my 2nd rainbow would be a bit easier on me emotionally. I mean, I have experienced a successful birth at this point. It wasn’t just the constant reminder that all my body knows is to fail me. Being able to look at my healthy, living daughter should help to remind me that I can do it. I can have a successful pregnancy resulting in a healthy child.
There were so many things that I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about with this pregnancy, people and the questions or statements that I wouldn’t be getting this time. However, those questions from Charly’s pregnancy were just replaced with other statements and questions. I remember thinking to myself, I won’t have to worry about how to answer if people ask “is this your first?” or hear how I’m going to be a mom. Instead, I get “hope it’s a boy so you can have 1 of each” or “the second one is so much easier”. Mind you, I do have a step son that people tend to forget about and I also have other children which makes this my 3rd pregnancy. Then, when I found out I was having a boy I dreaded telling people because I knew I would get the “A boy and a girl! 1 of each! Perfect!” I was dreading those phrases. It will be our 3rd boy and we have 2 girls. When people mention this child as our 2nd or 3rd (for those who remember that my husband also has a living son), I just think to myself “How can you call this my 2nd or 3rd? If this one dies too, will you still count him in the number? If you can’t count him in the number of children shall he die, don’t do it now.” Of course I don’t say that though. That would be mean and vindictive. Not only do I keep my mouth shut on that, but I know that I can’t really tell people how hard this is on me. I would be a bad mom and just a “negative nelly” as I have been called.
Being honest isn’t so easy. I feel that even more than when I was pregnant with Charly, I can’t be honest when people ask me how I’m doing. How can I tell them that I’m terrified to see in my house, a little boy and little girl playing together so close in age? That I’m scared when I see them together I will just imagine what life would have been like with boy/girl twins playing together and not be able to watch. That my post-partum depression will be even greater this time because of the pain caused. That I don’t know if the world will let me have both, a healthy biological son and daughter.
It wasn’t long ago I was told by someone that I shouldn’t correct people on what number this child will be for us. That it upsets people when they are corrected and that I should really consider their feelings. That they know I won’t care about anyone else’s feeling but maybe now I would stop and think about it before I say anything. This statement made me so angry. All I ever do is consider other people’s feelings. When I sit there and not tell people how I really feel. When I’m asked “how is the pregnancy?” and I reply with “It’s going well.” What about the “How are you feeling?” and I tell them that I’m doing well instead of breaking down crying and having them sit through an uncomfortable breakdown about the fears and anxiety of this pregnancy. There are times I will be selfish, yes. Those times I will be selfish are when it comes to the number of children we have. This is our 5th child, my 4th biological, our 3rd son, and my 2nd biological son. The question I really want to know is “How long does this child need to be alive for him to be counted as another child?”