In the community of parents familiar with loss, we all experience situations where we are asked questions that can make us unsure of how to answer; the most common is “how many children do you have?”

Now that I’ve gone through the experience of having a rainbow baby, a new question has been added to my list of dreaded questions: are you going to have more children?

It seems like a harmless question, people are genuinely curious and most of the time the question comes on the heels of someone expressing how adorable our living kids are; in some ways it’s flattering that someone would wonder if I will make more cute babies.

But I really don’t know how to answer it, so most of the time I just say, “I don’t know, maybe. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

I really don’t know.

In the weeks immediately following Zuri’s death I was almost positive I was done having babies. The risk of subjecting my heart to the possibility of another loss was too high, I didn’t want to go through it again.

After some time went by, and once I was able to do some of the hard work to understand and embrace my grief, my thinking changed; I was open to the idea of having another baby. Eventually I knew if I was going to be pregnant again it needed to be sooner than later, otherwise I would loose my nerve and not want to do it at all. Kind of like climbing to the top of the high dive, but then taking too long to summon up the courage until you talk yourself out of taking the leap altogether.

Now that my rainbow is here and I can say I survived a pregnancy after loss, I know that it is possible but I’m not always sure I can do it again.

Derek and I have always said we wanted three or four kids. Well, we do have four children- two here with us, and two waiting for us. Sometimes, that answer is satisfying to me. Other times, it just brings back the feelings of loss and makes me want more children here to love until I can love my other children that aren’t here with us.

So will we have more children?

I really don’t know. Maybe. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

fathersdaycollage

a fun little photo collage I made for my husband for Father’s Day, representing ALL of our children.

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