19 days and a wake up, and I can’t keep calm!

I can’t keep calm and there’s a million reasons why. I can’t keep calm because I feel that our rainbow baby would be safer in my arms than in my belly. I can’t keep calm because I’m beyond excited to finally meet Colbie. I can’t keep calm because I’m scared of something bad happening again.  I can’t keep calm because I’m having my rainbow baby soon!

It doesn’t feel real, but I’m ready. I feel confident, although I am nervous.

Nothing is 100% guaranteed as we learned the last time when I was induced at 37 weeks with my angel, but I keep reminding myself that every pregnancy is different, and that’s the hope that keeps me motivated in these final days.

We made it through the 36week OB appointment yesterday, and our rainbow baby looked great! No signs of Pre-Eclampsia this pregnancy, ultrasound shows no Vasa Previa lurking inside of me again, and overall our rainbow baby looks healthy. I’m thankful, but despite knowing everything this pregnancy is completely different than my pregnancy with my angel, a part of me wishes that our rainbow was already in our arms, SAFE.

I just don’t trust my body after what happened with our angel. I had a ticking time bomb inside of me waiting to go off the moment my water broke, and no one knew until after it was too late. I know I do not have Vasa Previa this pregnancy, but I am still worried of my water breaking again.

Actually, I’m terrified of the thought of it breaking again and seeing blood. Making it through this week was easy and it went by quickly, but I’ve been dreading the upcoming few days and hitting 37 weeks. I only have two more OB appointments to go until my scheduled C-section, but my doctor reassured me to not hesitate to call for anything.

For the next 19 days I plan on taking it easy and trying to remain as positive as I can be! I recently celebrated my 26th  birthday and my husband wanted to cheer me up since he knew at this point of pregnancy I’ve been having a lot on my mind. It may sound silly, but he ordered me a special pair of labor & delivery socks from a shop on Etsy called Baby Talk.

I actually laughed when they were ordered and cried when I saw them in person.  Those socks really mean the world to me right now because I feel like they perfectly represent the end of my pregnancy after loss journey and are a reminder of the hope that we are having a rainbow baby.

It’s true, I can’t keep calm. Pregnancy after loss is emotional roller coaster of emotions that differs from every PAL mom. There’s a million reasons as to why I cannot keep calm, but ultimately it’s because I will be having my rainbow baby soon!





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