It’s hard to believe that in four weeks (or less) life is going to be very different.
Just four long weeks filled with anxiety and excitement are left until we finally get to welcome our little rainbow baby into the world! Believe it or not, despite everything lately health wise not going in my favor, I feel beyond ready to meet this beautiful little girl.
I honestly can’t explain what has changed in me now compared to the beginning of this pregnancy, but I feel overjoyed and confident. At the beginning of this journey, I thought I would be more fearful and panic the closer to my scheduled C-section date, but to my surprise I’ve been a lot more relaxed.
I told myself at the beginning of this pregnancy that I wanted to be brave, and I think I’ve been growing stronger without realizing it over these past few months. Almost two years ago, delivery day was when everything took a turn for the worst in my angel’s pregnancy. While there is a bit of worry in the back of my mind, I do feel confident that maybe, just maybe we will have a different outcome this time!
I’ve actually felt confident enough to go through baby clothes, finish my hospital paperwork, order our rainbow’s hospital outfit and coming home outfit, finish crocheting her rainbow blanket, etc. These are all of the things I thought I never would be able to bring myself to do out of fear, but this past week I’ve eagerly completed those tasks with a smile on my face. My heart feels full, but I hope and pray that it doesn’t break again like last time.
A small part of me feels like I am taking a risk letting my heart open again and feeling excited, but I cannot control it. I know nothing in life is ever guaranteed, and I truly want to appreciate every moment no matter what happens. I know that anything can still happen, and that is the hardest part. I truly hate the pain and emotional mess losing a child does, and I wish pregnancy was a carefree 280 days of happiness that guarantees a baby in the end. I wish that no one else had to go through the similar feelings I’ve endured losing a child and going through a pregnancy after loss. Words just cannot explain the pain.
BUT, for those who have followed my weekly bump day posts, I want you to know that there is hope at the end and that’s what a rainbow baby signifies. Pregnancy after loss signifies HOPE of brighter days, not a replacement of the child you lost. It’s hope that the storm clouds will clear and a beautiful rainbow will appear. With the final few weeks in sight, I believe that I can do this and there will be a different ending. It may not be guaranteed but my heart is filled with hope and confidence.